Divorce Diva

Just had a very interesting experience. A friend told me that someone called Alexandra Heminsley had written a book called Ex and the City - and i thought well that's an interesting coincidence since my website is called Ex In the City - anyway, I looked on amazon and sure enough there it was - sounds actually quite good but what shocked me was that the cover of the book used almost exactly the same style of graphic - now was that just serendipity or .....anyway, i dropped her a line, we'll see what Alexandra says

i think happiness is linked to the achievement of one's archetype - marriage allows you do hide behind someone else's vision of who you are - when you are divorced you are forced to define your unique archetype, your style, persona - it can take a long long long time

Ex-press

Could Have, Should Have…
EXpress is the stage of EX where you: 1) Obsess about all the things you didn’t say or do in your relationship. It’s a mind numbing cycle of self effacing guilt and sadness. 2) Have an irrational desire to speak to someone, anyone. You want to share your personal tragedy with friends, family, shop-assistants, hairdresser, and complete strangers. You want sympathy, comfort and a shoulder to cry on. 3) Are stuck in a permanent mind loop. Feelings of anger, despair, frustration and pain dominate your life.

Why ME?
It’s important to realize you have not been handpicked by some spiteful deity for this painful experience. Change is the only constant. What used to be “until death do us part” is now “until it doesn’t feel good anymore” or “we’ve changed, let’s move on”. No judgment, love is a victim of change, the nature of all that exists. , So count yourself lucky that you’ve been given the opportunity to start over again. My mother found out about my father’s affair at age 48, and died of a broken heart two years later (they called it cancer). She didn’t have the support infrastructure or will to live without him. She died and he lived happily another 25 years with the women of his choice. That to me seems a very sad outcome for a woman who deserved better.

Don’t Call Your Ex!!
You’ve spent countless hours analyzing your ex’s shortcomings and you figure it’s time to give him a call and tell him in precise detail how he ruined your life. But STOP, before you pick up the phone, don’t do it! Buy a journal, eat chocolate or buy a small indulgence for yourself - its far less humiliating. He doesn’t want to hear your anger or tears. Even if it makes you feel better, it doesn’t matter anymore. Trust me on this. Most men (and I know there are exceptions) have their own way of dealing with divorce and separation. They compartmentalize, deny and move on. Quickly.

EX-orcise

Welcome to the stage of EXorcise. At this point, you are ready to release the demons of your past and let go of your EX for good!!

During my post divorce “recovery” period that lasted for what seemed like forever, a great friend finally gave me some amazing advice.. He said, "Time to quit crying, stop being afraid, and hiding out!! It’s time to re-invent yourself - to approach your new life as if you were producing a Broadway show."

Identify the Lead Character.
Hint…that would be YOU!

Describe the Leading Lady.
What does she look like, what’s in her wardrobe? What are her values? Say out loud five words that describe that person. My words were “loving, creative, sexy, intelligent and bohemian”.

Start Rehearsals
Now every day - rehearse - do just one thing that supports each value of importance to the lead actress. For example, express intelligence by reading something new, express creativity by learning a skill, finger painting or writing in a journal. Wear two color socks for the bohemian.

Define a New Look
As the lead actress you will need a sexy new haircut, new wardrobe - a revamped image! This forces you to take a look in the mirror (full length by the way – no cheating!!). You may have been tempted to do a dramatic makeover in an earlier stage of EX, but you are most ready, physically and emotionally to do it in the Exorcise stage. Check out our favorite clothes, stylists, trends around the world. Buy magazines and make a collage of the new you.

Decide on Your Supporting Cast
Be selective – choose your “A- List” friends only. This is hard and takes time. It does not involve your ex! (and no, you can’t just be “friends”!). You’ve probably exhausted your superficial friends by now, so why maybe join a Woman’s Group, an association, attend a workshop or find new friends online.

Define the Audience
Who is sitting in the front row? Who is up in the balcony? Remember, and this is very important, your ex is NOT in the audience either. He is not in the third balcony, and definitely not lingering backstage. He is outside in the pouring rain, clutching a tiny little yellow ticket that says “ADMISSION DENIED”. As long as you put him in the audience/supporting cast/or production team, you will look for his approval and judgment. Don’t do that – remember, this is YOUR show!!!

Choose a Venue
You may want to skip town immediately. I drove to San Diego and back twice before I realized that I didn’t really want to live there. I realized that I had never been to so many places that I might love. Many women find it useful or even essential to leave the place they were living in prior to EX, but many, like me, realized that wherever you go there YOU are.

Lawyers, Doctors and Banks Oh My!
If there was a divorce settlement, get it firmed up with all the terms clearly defined. Don’t let things slip because months after the divorce your ex has officially erased you from his memory – along with the financial promises he made. Make sure you have your own bank account and a team of people to help you – a great accountant, lawyer, banker, real estate agent, etc. Even if you don’t think you need them right now – line them up. We have put together a list of things you might want to consider, along with LINKS to some hand picked professionals.

Show Time!
The plot for your very own personal Broadway Show has developed all kinds of twists and turns - beauty, travel, escape, romance, charity work, concerts, and women’s groups. You have a new supporting cast and perhaps a whole new audience. So many EXciting choices…, but now it’s time to launch your new EXtraordinary production – YOU!

Exile - The First Stage of Recovery

 

Going through a divorce (or any breakup really) is like experiencing a death. You progress through all the stages similar to those outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross (who I had the great pleasure of working with back in the 80's :-) Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance - I found this model really helpful when going through my own divorce and its at the heart of the message on my website Ex In The City.

So, let's think about Denial...and Isolation...

The first stage of healing after a relationship break-up normally finds you wanting to go into some kind of EXile. No matter how bad the relationship was when he’s finally gone you are devastated. You are living in your own private hell and don’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving the house. The thought of taking out the garbage is overwhelming. Thank god for anything that can be delivered. Welcome to EXile! Here are some tips to help you survive:

Dark sunglasses: your new best friend.
You WILL cry – A LOT. So, your number one purchase should be a pair of very dark sunglasses. Live in them. Feel like an exotic and wounded creature that needs protection from the bright lights of reality. It’s really ok. You will cry all the time and that too will pass. At some point you’ll realize there’s a world around you that you love, people who care, maybe even a future. But not so fast...

Don’t make ANY big decisions.
In Exile you feel so alone and vulnerable. You can’t sleep for longer than a few hours and you are still fantasizing about re-uniting with your ex (even if you won’t admit it). My advice is not to make decisions and to not expect any concentration or clarity of mind. A friend once advised me that this is the time to firmly put the oxygen mask on and to breathe. Don’t take it off to help anyone else until you are feeling stronger yourself.

Put future plans on hold.
Try not to make commitments and do NOT (I repeat do NOT) buy tickets to future events. YOU WON’T GO. Trust me on this. I booked massage sessions, concert tickets, trips, promised participation, engagement.  You are living in the moment, and you tend to become a complete and total hermit. The concept of social isolation comes into vivid focus and you just don't care.  This is particularly hard when you have well meaning (bouncy) girlfriends who are NOT in the same space and think that therapeutic shopping, dancing, drinking, is the best therapy. Well meaning, but so so wrong. Dont bother with Match.com. Seriously, its a complete waste of time - at this stage.

Important safety tips.
Try not to start smoking or eating excessively if you can help it. Avoid drinking excessively – you will just feel worse. As a general rule, refuse to indulge in any addictions because trust me you’ll have absolutely no self control to quit!!

The bottom line is to see denial and self imposed isolation as a temporary but essential phase on the road to recovery and reinvention. The secret for me was to not get frustrated with the slow pace of self awareness and to value and accept the set backs. Things just don't move in a predictable way and the sooner you can relax into that you can move on to the fun part of screaming and yelling!

Eat- It Will Make You Feel Better!

  

From my friend Melanie Biringer's wonderful world of Crave. Check out her fabulous site here. Coconut cream pie pix from www.myrecipes.com Oh my god give me a fork!!

We are excited to celebrate National Pi Day on Saturday March 14, it might not be the official Pie day but any excuse to eat pie will do.  Check out what CakeSpy has to say about this day and make sure to prepare at least one of the 30 recipes listed.  I am telling you this is a fabulous site...you MUST check it out. 

There’s some controversy on the subject of which day National Pie Day ought to be celebrated, either January 23 (as specified by the American Pie Council) or March 14 (as specified by the math geeks of the universe). We’ve got the perfect solution though: why not celebrate on both days? Certainly there’s enough pie love to go around.

With March 14th coming around, we decided to forgo the usual apple, pumpkin or blueberry pie in favor of compiling a list of somewhat lesser-known pies; each is linked to a recipe or page explaining its history. Maybe you’ll come across some old favorites or new discoveries. But mostly we’re curious…how many have you tried?

Make sure to check out www.cakespy.com to fulfill any cake need you might have. Also founder Jessie Oleson will be joining us March 23rd as a speaker at SHOP Symposium/09.

Girls Only Travel

 

Tired of ' I want to be alone' but not quite ready for traveling with crowds of men? Here are some tours that are geared just for women. I have no personal experience with any of them, but they are worth checking out if you have an adventurous spirit, and would rather travel in a small group of likeminded girls. Do you have any recommendations? Please leave a comment!

 

EXPLORE WITH ADVENTUROUS WENCH

 Set your adventurous spirit free on one of Adventurous Wenches' high-quality trips for women. You'll find walking trips and multisport itineraries that mix outdoor activities with women's touches like a spa massage or cooking class. Get out and have fun with a group of like-minded adventurous women. See more here Adventurous Wench  

 

TRAVEL GALORE CATERS TO WOMEN OF ALL AGES

 Their goal is to offer affordable tours and to introduce women to other Canadian women who have similar interests and who love to travel. Membership is free. Recent trips include New York, New Orleans, Paint Workshops in Mexico, Walking Tours, European Coach Tours, and more. Go to Travel Gal 

 

WOMAN TOURS BY BIKE

There is no better way to enjoy the scenery or feel the pulse of a country than by bicycle. Tours in Italy, France, Ireland, Hawaii, Utah, Tetons, Yellowstone, Vermont, New York or North Carolina. Trans US tours offered! See website for trip itinerary www.womantours.com For a catalog go to Woman Tours  Woman Tours 

THE FRENCH ARTIST WORKSHOP

Is held in the magical, mysterious Tarn Valley of SW France. June and September workshops. Students, novice to professional, will be taken on an artistic and spiritual journey. Carolyn Byrne: bonjardin@aol.com or visit The Franch Artist Workshop 

 

MENOPAUSAL TOURS

 Is estrogen holding you back? Not anymore! Travel to exciting worldwide destinations with other women of a certain attitude! Offering escorted soft adventure tours for women over 40 years wise including accommodations, ground transportation, and more! The tours feature an excellent mix of group activities and free time for solo exploration. Check out website for current tour offerings. Diva Dollars/Breast Cancer Survivor Travel Award Program. For more information visit Menopausal Tours 

 

ADVENTURES IN GOOD COMPANY

offers active vacations for every woman who wants some time for herself in the outdoors. No matter your age, no matter your fitness level, we have an adventure for you. Join us for hiking in Provence, canoeing Canadian rivers, Minnesota dogsledding, sea kayaking Alaska, and many other adventures. Small groups, excellent guides. Go to Good Adventure

 

TRAVEL WOMEN WANT

Uniglobe Donaldson Travel is pleased to announce "Travel Women Want!" our women's travel club. Whether you want to travel with a group, or you're just looking for a traveling companion, we are your international travel resource. We have been in business for over 30 years serving the needs of discerning travelers. Have a look at Uniglobe Donaldson

 

CANYON CALLING, ADVENTURES FOR WOMEN

because girl-time is a MUST! Since 1996 we are the specialists in multi-activity, small group (maximum 12), non-smoking trips for women over 30. No special fitness needed to hike, bike, horse ride, white water raft, sail, canoe and sea kayak the splendor of the Canadian Rockies, Fiji-New Zealand, Alaska, the Swiss Alps, Iceland, Costa Rica, Greece, Hawaii, Maine, Wyoming and the Southwest. Visit Canyon Calling 

 

WOMEN'S ADVENTURE TOURS

See it! Do it! -- Active vacations for small groups of women travelers. Join us in March for a CANADIAN ROCKIES SKI TRIP-5 days skiing/ 3 resorts, Canyon ice walk, hot springs and torchlight ski. Discover the stunning beauty of the YUKON & ALASKA in July- travel by van, ferry & train on a multi-activity, hike, bike, horseback ride, and white water rafting adventure. Website is Womens Adventure 

 

LIFE DISCOVERY TOURS

Women Summit LLC provides travel retreats with quality service to some of the most beautiful places in the world. Small groups ( experience a balanced retreat of hiking, resting, discussons, and self discovery through personal coaching, in an atmosphere of Christian values. The Tetons, Wyoming Wilderness, Grand Canyon-North, Grand Canyon and Havasu Falls, Sedona, Mesa Verde, Alaska ,Switzerland . Visit Women's Summit

 

WALKING WOMEN

Women-only walking tours in the stunning English Lake District and up to 14 destinations in Europe including Scotland & Ireland. We are a UK women-run company offering guided holidays in small friendly groups. You can choose which grade of walks suits you best - from low level woods and waterfalls to challenging alpine treks. All women are welcome! Website: Walking Women

ADVENTURE WOMEN, INC

 Since 1982 we've pioneered small, congenial, non-smoking groups for all ability levels. Travel with the "grande dame" of worldwide adventure travel for active women over 30. Rediscover your fun-loving, confident, self! From Vietnam to Africa, the Grand Canyon to Yellowstone, hike, trek, horsepack, sail, snorkel, ski, raft, and sea kayak, to the world's most amazing destinations. Go to Adventure Women

 

 

CARIBBEAN TRIPS FOR WOMEN

Come relax on Negril Beach, Jamaica, a haven of white beaches and turquoise waters. Our mission is to provide women with travel options in the comfort of a group. Let loose and/or retreat on this enchanting and unique island.  Discover the Divine Feminine in Paradise Website.  Go to Trips for Women

 

WITHOUT A MAN TOUR IN YUCATAN 

Single, divorced, widowed or married to a man who doesn't like to travel? Haven't travelled on your own for years? Cringe at the thought of a traditional "tour?" Looking for an authentic experience but not sure where to start? Please visit our website at Iluminado Tours <a href="http://www.iluminado-tours.com"> http://iluminado-tours.com</a> to learn more about our unique tours of the Yucatan.

 

A WOMAN & MONEY WORKSHOP IN MEXICO

Enjoy an enchanted week in San Miguel de Allende, a 400 year old jewel with nearly perfect climate. Included in your week of self-knowledge and self-indulgence is ground transportation to/from the airport, seven nights accommodation and breakfasts in a charming Mexican guest house, a women & money workshop, salsa lessons, a Mexican cooking class, guided tour of San Miguel and a celebratory closing night dinner. Visit Resourceful Women

 

GENUINE ENCOUNTERS IN GREECE

 Astra offers the camaraderie of up to 8 like-spirited travelers/walkers, interactions with local hosts, visits to renowned sites and 'unwritten places,' unscheduled time to improvise (reflect, write, draw), lodging in modernized traditional guest houses - with guide Thordis Simonsen, 20-year resident of Greece and author of Dancing Girl. We offer co-ed & women-only trips including a Village Sojourn. Astra 

 

NURTURE THROUGH NATURE

Provides enriching, holistic outdoor adventure retreats for women and girls in pristine, peaceful spaces. Activities include backpacking, gently-paced canoeing, kayaking, guided meditation, yoga, Reiki and mindfulness practices. While we primarily explore Maine's unspoiled woods, waterways and islands, we also offer a spring paddling trip in Utah. We are geared for novice and seasoned outdoor travelers alike. Website at Nurture Through Nature  <a href="http://www.nurturethroughnature.tripod.com">http://nurturethroughnature.tripod.com</a>

 

PARIS WOMAN

To Breathe Paris preserves the Soul" (Victor Hugo). Reside in a small hotel on the left bank. Linger over espresso at an outdoor café. Enjoy a fashion show at Galeries Lafayette. Pariswoman ALSO VISITS THE COTE D'AZUR and stolls along the Promenade des Anglais in Nice, visits fabulous Cannes as well as Cap Ferrat and Monte Carlo. Website at Oliver Group  

 

EUROSTYLE TOURS

Experience Europe in a way you couldn't on an ordinary tour. EuroStyle tours insures you get the most out of your vacation by providing personal service and creating packages that maximize both your shopping and cultural experience. You'll not only visit familiar tourist spots, but also quaint, out of the way places. Discover the world you're in with EuroStyle Tours. Visit Euro Style Tours

 

MAGICAL WOMEN'S RETREAT

 Not your typical tour... A Life-Changing Journey! Come with us to one of the most powerful sites in all Mesoamerica. Visit Teotihuacan, home of Pyramids of the Sun and Moon. Shaman Eduardo Morales leads us in ceremony and initiation in the three Toltec Masteries of Awareness, Transformation, and Intent. Relax Rejuvenate, and Regenerate at our 5-star hacienda in Tepoztlan, a holistic Aztec-Nahuatl village. Enjoy breathtaking views, lush gardens, cultural tours, native markets, drumming, sacred circle dance, Temazcal (Aztec Sweat Lodge), Ecovillage, Holographic Repatterning, delicious, healthy vegetarian food, more. Sacred Journey Retreats

 

SACRED JOURNEYS FOR WOMEN 

Sacred Journeys for Women has been facilitating women's Retreats and Pilgrimages around the world since 1997. Our destinations include Hawaii, England, Ireland, Scotland and Crete. Our Retreat's and Pilgrimages are focused on the Sacred Feminine, visiting sacred sites around the world. Join our community of sisters and facilitators, facilitating change with women's spirituality and empowerment. Sacred Journeys

 

AN AZORES ISLANDS ADVENTURE

Come spend a week exploring Europe's best kept secret. We guide small group walks among endless scenic footpaths. Activities available include cooking, fishing, kayaking, scuba, Portuguese language immersion, painting, photography, cycling (challenging), and swimming the inviting waters of the natural tide pool. We offer women-only weeks focusing on self. Fabulous accommodations; mouth-watering food. We provide everything. Just bring yourself! Azores Walks 

 

SOUNDS & FURIES' WOMEN'S MAGICAL JOURNEYS

Small group travel to sacred, pre-judeo-christian sites in Europe, Hawaii and more. Economical trips, comfortable accommodations, local experienced feminist guides, women of all ages (20's to late 60's), sizes, sexual orientations, life-changing experiences. Fun! May 2003: ENGLAND: Bath, Glastonbury, Avebury, Tintagel, Cornwall. Late September/October 2003: GREECE Isles of Lesbos, Samos, Aegina, + Athens, The Peloponessus.. Details at Sounds and Furies

 

WILDSIDE ADVENTURES FOR WOMEN

Offers affordable outdoor adventures on the East Coast for women. Join us for backpacking, rock climbing, biking, canoeing, caving, kayaking, skills workshops, naturalist, spiritual and environmental retreats. Small groups for women of all ages who want to meet the challenge of the outdoors. Find your "wild side" in the simplicity of nature. Special trip planning available for groups or individuals. Wildside Adventures

When Your Ex Re-Marries

They say that the only thing worse than hearing your ex is remarrying from a third party is actually hearing the news from your ex. I disagree. I wish that he had told me directly, it would have felt more civilized, more gentle. But hey who said divorce was supposed to be civilized and I really wasn’t expecting that I’d be anywhere in his mind.  Or that I’d not be on the invite list should it happen.  Our children weren’t on the list either and truthfully that was the most painful thing to accept. But I suppose after all these years of separation from them as well, it was a gift for them not to have to make the decision whether to attend. Strangely enough it wasn’t so much a feeling of deep pain but a kind of quiet sadness. A small calm memory pulse that had been flowing through my life, filled with the good thoughts, the knowledge that we had really had a great 20 years together, suddenly stopped. Just like that. Ok so I go pull out all the photo albums and had a good cry, but it was a good release.  So, I put behind me another milestone that most divorced women and men I suppose deal with. Strangely enough you actually don’t hear divorced people speak of this day very often. Later you say , oh yes, my ex got remarried and has 2 kids etc as if its just the most normal thing in the world. But on that day, that moment when you hear the news, you take a gasp and just have to start breathing again. No one wants to admit that after a divorce, their ex has found a deep and beautiful love with someone else, and of course in your heart of hearts all you want to do is wish them every happiness. You loved them for goodness sake, it got imbedded in your DNA to put their happiness first. No need to be cruel and vindictive. A marriage (whoever is standing there hand in hand)  is a day that celebrates love and for most people, you do in your heart hope that the person your ex is marrying will be their soul mate forever. You know he chose you and you are a good person. She must be the same. But deep inside, it stirs up powerful latent emotions. You are reminded again of how your marriage “failed”, how the dreams you had together have been dissolved not just temporarily but forever.  It just isn’t what you imagined when you said your vows and promised to stay together until death.  It just never in a million years occurred to me that my husband would ever take that same vow another woman. I am still alive last time I checked.   So another milestone, another great opportunity to move on. Yes, I put on a brave face that day and told my kids I was happy for my ex and his new wife. And I am. There was a twinge of sadness of course. But anyone who has been through a divorce and remarriage knows how this feels.  So, if you know someone who has just found out their ex has remarried, or if you are the one that has to break the news, be gentle. We are fragile beings when it comes to love.  

BlogCatalog

Forgiveness

It's been a while since I've posted anything. i guess its a bit like my marriage where i stopped writing in my journal for 18 years while i actually lived life out.  so i've been living divorce out. and its been hard. i thought for 1 year that i'd never breathe again. Then for another 2 years that i'd never trust again. For another year thinking that i'd never love again. Throughout it all i never thought i could forgive. 

Then i read a book called Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, which is trust me not a light read.  It is 933 pages and i read it over two weeks of travel on a recent birthday trip to India, Scotland and the UK.  I had it tucked under my arm and glued to my eyes on planes and trains and on comfy beds in Jaipur at the home of my dear freind Veena's sister in law. She took me in despite the fact i was like a little broken bird. I realised as I read the book that the reason i thought i could never forgive was that i was thinking about forgiving the wrong person. All the time, I thought I should be forgiving my former husband when in reality it was all about forgiving myself.  That was a huge realization and one that still makes me cry.  Now, the fact that I've actually realized this doesn't mean I've actually DONE it - forgive myself that is - but it isn't about anything I did that was wrong or things he did that were wrong, things that perhaps required forgiveness - but just that life is all about decisions based on one's character and life experience that generate a perspective and response to that specific moment in time, the desire to make things the best they can be. It's hardly ever perfect and on reflection is almost always imperfect. But you do the best you can at any moment in time, and that is absolutley all you can do.  My husband's decision to leave me and our boys was the best he could do at that time. It was a perfect storm. It was a brave decision in a sad kind of way for both of us.

So the book. Shantaram. It's an incredible, incredible book. The writing style is like liquid gold, it flows around you and into every cell of your body.  His characters make you stop and reflect. You know them by the end of the book or the end of their lives. There is one place that I just had to put the book down and cry. Not sniffle cry but sobbing cry. I met up after my trip with Elana and Ike who actually recommended the book to me and Elana said exactly the same thing happned to her.  I put it up there with Atlas Shrugged as my all time most impactful book. It is all about forgiveness - and the last paragraph really says it all. If you are dealing with a divorce or separation, just try to forgive yourself and your man - there is no need to punish yourself for the past you go forward...your destiny is waiting and its probably going to be absolutely nothing like you imagined when you were a child or even nothing like you think its going to be right now...

For this is what we do.  Put one foot forward and then the other.  Life our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel.  Add our little consequences to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day.  With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing:the pure ineffable yearning to be saved.  For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on.

Still Hot

Discovered a great blog that kept me engaged for hours. Still Hot -

A hilarious and saucy survival guide for women who are going through separation, divorce, and dating

Still Hot - the Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite and Happily Ever After

Check it out~

 

Divorce Fair

It started last year with a Divorce Fair in Vienna - at the time I remember thinking that the world as we knew it was coming to and end when divorce could be marketed like every other commodity on the planet.

Their  slogan was New Beginning, and attracted around 500 people and 20 exhibitors including private detective firms and DNA laboratories offering paternity tests.

So I guess all great financial successes can't be stopped and our capitalistic system pushes success forward into the marketplace....and the first UK event is planned. The pitch?

An event dubbed the UK's first divorce fair is to be staged to help parting couples break-up as painlessly as possible, its organiser said today.

Solicitors, financial experts, mortgage advisers and health professionals will exhibit at the one-day event at Brighton Racecourse in Brighton, East Sussex, on October 11.

"The fair, called the Starting Over Show,(SOS) has attracted 20 potential exhibitors with the aim of gaining 90 and follows on from other divorce fairs held in Europe.It is being promoted as an event to enable people bounce back from relationship break-ups, including civil partnership splits, and help them build the skills to face the future.  Unlike Viena, while legal advice will be offered, organisers insist there will be no exhibitors promoting DNA paternity testing or private detective work.

Event producer Suzy Miller said the fair may help people struggling with the credit crunch, who may to be too frightened to split because of financial fears. Suzi says "'From the people I have spoken to, they have said, "God I wish something like this was around when I broke up.Going through a break-up can be an extremely lonely time so we are placing a lot of emphasis on mind, body and soul to help people get through it.

'There will lawyers, accountants, live music, a chill-out room and a creche, business advisors and spiritual consultants.  Something for everyone facing the complexities of divorce.  I am surprised match.com and other dating services don't do a meeting alongside- you can just go from one zone to another. Plastic surgeons, god knows the divorce market has endless possibilies!

From "I Do" to "Seven Year Itch"

There have been endless articles on the reasons for divorce. It is a shocking reality that 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, pretty amazing odds by any standard. It's higher in other parts of the world so count your blessings.  Basically its a bit like buying a new car - as soon as you drive off the lot the entrophy begins - so the glow of 'i do' forever quickly starts to wane into 'i do until i change my mind'.  Love and commitment reaches a low apparantly in the 4 year anniversary mark and then picks up again until year 7 when all bets are off as the seven year itch attacks.  If you get past 10 years, well you are amazing!

Adultery, boredom, finances, changing interests, children, who knows.  Most states today are no fault - so you really don't have to state a reason for divorcing. No one is to blame is the new standard. Unreconcilable difference means I just can't be bothered to try  to reconcile.  Don't you wish life was simpler like back in 1972 when the state of Missisippi stated the following 10 very prescriptive reasons for allowing a divorce. Got to love the pure simplicity of the reasoning.  You'd think #11 was a no brainer. Oh my god did people really do #2?  Where was viagra for #1? No ambiguity at all. 3-7 are pretty self explanatory and I think I plead #8 or is it #12?  I think its fascinating that you could get a divorce is you were insane when you GOT married but not if you were insane at the time you were asking for a divorce and that you have to actually strugle through 3 years of treatment before a divorce is possible. Seems a little unfair to me :-)

So here is what they said...

Divorces from the bonds of matrimony may be decreed to the injured party for any one or more of the following twelve causes, viz:

First. Natural impotency.

Second. Adultery, unless it should appear that it was committed by collusion of the parties for the purpose of procuring a divorce, or unless the parties cohabited after a knowledge by complainant of the adultery.

Third. Being sentenced to any penitentiary, and not pardoned before being sent there.

Fourth. Wilful, continued and obstinate desertion for the space of one year.

Fifth. Habitual drunkenness.

Sixth. Habitual and excessive use of opium, morphine or other like drug.

Seventh. Habitual cruel and inhuman treatment.

Eighth. Insanity or idiocy at the time of marriage, if the party complaining did not know of such infirmity.

Ninth. Marriage to some other person at the time of the pretended marriage between the parties.

Tenth. Pregnancy of the wife by another person at the time of the marriage, if the husband did not know of such pregnancy.

Eleventh. Either party may have a divorce if they be related to each other within the degrees of kindred between whom marriage is prohibited by law.

Twelfth. Incurable insanity. But no divorce shall be granted upon this ground unless the insane party shall have been under regular treatment for insanity and causes thereof, confined in an institution for the insane for a period of at least three years immediately preceding the commencement of the action.

Defragmenting Divorce

I have always taken my dreams seriously. There are cultures around the world that pay very close attention to every detail, some that view it as a movie that entertains us while we sleep.  I remember when my mother died when I was very young many years ago I had a recurring dream where she would call me on the telephone in odd situations, when I was in a restaurant, at school, at a friends house. I'd just be living my life and someone would just appear with a telephone saying 'you have a call' and then I'd scream, wake up and sit shaking for a few minutes until I wished I'd have the courage to actually speak with her.  The dreams went on for years and finally I had the courage to take the phone and speak with her. She spoke in riddles and I cried for days until I realized that I just needed to say goodbye. Dreams.  Dreams of divorce are according to the experts are a sign of separation and of course not only related to relationships. Aisling Ireland on www.bellaonline.com says "the old wise people said that these dreams (of divorce) were a warning to nurture home and family life. Divorce in your dream may also not even pertain to marriage. It can symbolize another "divorce" from something you're unhappy with, such as your job, a habit or behavior".

So last night I had a dream about my ex husband and it was the most fascinating experience. At the beginning of the dream I started interacting with him just like I used to when we were married years ago, watching myself in a conversation in the dream expecting a certain response that of course didn't happen.  Whenever I thought or asked him about what used to be, he stopped speaking.  He physically stopped speaking. As I got frustrated, he just got quieter.  Then I started speaking in the present tense, asking him about his life today, the things he valued now and sharing my own life, dreams and passions.  I took out the us and focused on the individuals.  I shared the life and wisdom that has taken shape in my life since the divorce and over the course of the dream, I  interacted with him in a totally different way. To use a computer analogy, I felt like I had selected "properites, disk clean up" and suddenly my brain was defragmenting- all conversations, experiences and memories related to my husband were lining up and being filed away in archives in my brain. With every memory I felt lighter and free of memories that had been haunting me for so long.  The need to ask why, understand the reasons for our divorce was gone. Gone. I woke up feeling lighter and not to be too dramatic - transformed. The mind is truly an incredible thing.

Wanderlust and the Single Woman

So three simple questions? Are you single or divorced or otherwise on your own ?Do you like to travel alone?Are you feeling poor/broke/stingy?

Well the summer sun is calling and the vitamin D meter in your body is sending out red alerts!!!  The idea of a sunny week just kicking back in that bathing suit which is slowly fading in your drawer, and before you gain back the 8 pounds that made it reasonably possible to squeeze into it.....well time to book a summer vacation. You know that no one else is going to be in the office in August so what are you waitign for!!  I love to travel alone. It's as simple as that. I used to love to travel with my husband and sons but since they now all have created fun and exciting lives outside my world, well I am loving the opportunity to embrace  the world of a solitary explorer.  However, the last time I checked for a mediterranean cruise the single supplement doubled the fare and I ended up deciding it was less expensive to fly to Delhi and spend two weeks luxuriating in India. 

I just got back from a short trip to the UK and besides the great tea, ethnic food, fun shopping, boots, marks and spencer and oh yes visiting two fantastic sons - I love the British woman's magazines that seem full of ideas for empowered single women.

I came across a company called Travel One that specializes in single travel and wanted to share. Do any of these places look good to you?

	Olu Deniz, Turkey
-	Dalyan, Turkey
-	Kalkan, Turkey
-	Gulet Cruise, Turkey
-	Santorini, Greece
-	Crete, Greece
-	Kyrenia, Northern Cyprus
-	Majorca, Spain
-	Andalucia, Spain
-	Algarve, Portugal
-	Funchal, Madeira
-	Pula, Croatia
-	St. Konstantin, Bulgaria
-	Port El Kantaoui, Tunisia
-	Sicily, Italy
-	Marrakech & Agadir, Morocco
-	Playa del Carmen, Mexico
-	Mombasa Coast & Safari, Kenya
-	Hurghada, Egypt
-	Nile Cruise & Luxor, Egypt
-	Check out their site http://www.travelone.co.uk/singles-holidays.html

Nice Girls Win

Working in a large corporation has incredible benefits and I have been immune to something for most of my working career that many women, especially recently divorced women, face. How to be 'nice' and succeed in business.  I've been at both ends of the pendulum.  When I was in college I read the Feminine Mystique and other feminist works that reassured me of my superiority. You know 'women have to try twice as hard as men to be thought of as half as good...fortunately that's not difficult".  I can't believe I actually put that on a sign on my desk once.  Really warms up the male visitors. I had books scattered about like "How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis", or "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" or "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead But Gutsy Girls Do" or "Good Girls Guide to Becoming a Boss without Becoming a Bitch" , "PLay Like a Man, Win Like A Woman" or one that had an erie sense of prediction "The Old Girls Network, Building Business in a Man's World.  I've tried many techniques in my 20+ year career but always come back to very simple premise. Nice works. It feels good, it often surprises and usually works. Not sappy stupid sweetness, but thoughtful, compassionate and creative cooperation. And in a strange and wonderful way the pendulum has swung fully to the other end and suddenly I don't think about men any more as a threat but quite seriously as allies in a game of life that treats us all with the same level of detached indifference. It gives us the opportunity to make choices in life. Some take us where we want to go, others lead us into sadness, or depression or even failure. But it has nothing to do with being manipulative or mean. I think its why I only stayed for a couple of sessions at a recent women's conference. Too much estrogen for me.  Why continually draw a line, make a distinction?  After a divorce the tendency is to draw think lines - black and white, him and me, bad and good. So many women who I have met at events designed to help women to heal after a divorce only encourage the 'he's a jerk' mentality. Time to get over it. We're in this together. Be nice for goodness sake. Life is short! And you will eventually get a window office. If that's how you measure success. Much prefer an inside office that people love to visit, chat, share. Something too often missing in the corporate world.

Ex In the City Featured Alongside Oprah!

Meet Alison Chase. She is a woman I met through my website Ex in the City who is described as an actress, tv host and commercial talent - she is the founder of a great new website called Wake Up to a Breakup and is kicking off a new TV show that she describes as 'a show devoted to understanding how men and women get along, or in this case, how they don't. If you have ever been dumped, think your relationship is in trouble, or you are still pinning away for your Ex, you've come to the right place.' Check it out, its very unique and incredibly informative.

But more of that later...and a little backgroud on my website Ex in the City.

Well in case you haven't figured it out, I am the 'goddess of ex' .  I lovingly created a website called Ex In The City way back 5 years ago when I thought that suicide was the only way I was ever going to stop crying after my divorce. It was really a little pathetic and I am certainly glad that sanity prevailed and I put down the sleeping pills.  I just finished reading the most amazing, transformative book in my life - Atlas Shrugged - by Ann Rand and have a very different appreciation (yes I did say appreciation) of why my husband decided to leave me. 

For a long time I selfishly thought that my divorce was all about ME. One does this of course and its perfectly normal. I droned on - what had I done wrong, what could I have done better, differently. What was wrong with ME?  Was I too old, was I too boring, too conservative, ugly?  My mind did mental gymnastics around how I was totally to blame for something that was really all about him. And I mean that is the most positive way I can explain.  You see the book is in my opinion, ultimately all about being truthful to yourself and living your life, manifesting your dreams, as a reflection of your values.  That all sounds very easy but its actually a little more difficult than it sounds. Because first of all you have to figure out what your values are and then do a sanity check against 'truth' and then and only then act on your values. My ex husband was acting (bravely) on HIS values - moving forward in his life because I no longer aligned with them.  No one was really to blame.  It took a lot of courage for him to admit to himself that to survive truthfully in the world, he had to change the reality of his life.  It had slipped away from his values (and don't attach judgement here is the secret I discovered with the book). Just know that we were no longer travelers with the same values moving in the same direction. So anyway that's my realization of the year and trust me it has liberated me beyond belief. So on that curve of EXile, EXpress, EXorcise, EXplore and EXhale...I hover between EXplore and EXhale - and some days don't even feel 'divorced' because that assumes i felt attached in the first place. Way beyond that thank goodness!

So Ex in the City is taking a little rest while I decide what's next...but Divorce Diva continues to ramble on. Anyway, a website called Wake Up To a Breakup has decided that Ex in the City is actually still a pretty good site and has included us (YAY and thank you!!) on their website and in fact we are in pretty amazing company

Here's the blurb

Believe it or not, the term “relationships” has 189 million hits on Google. To be sure, it’s a crowded space out there. And if you’re looking for relationship advice, you may just get lost. That’s why we’ve done your research for you, to turn up the top sites and blogs for the lovelorn. It’s a good thing, because getting dumped leaves us asking a lot questions.

iVillage
Oprah (Relationships)
Flirt
Loving You
Ex in the City
The Site (Sex and Relationships)
MSNBC (Relationships)
Don't Date Him Girl
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Break Up Girl
Boy Friend Replacement
Chick Speak
My Ex Hates Me
Exboyfriend Jewelry

Alison Chase is the Founder and host of a tv show called Wake Up to a Breakup and is going to be featuring Ex in the City in an upcoming show. So thank you Alison - wish you all the very best with your new venture! And thank you for rating Ex so high - glad to be of help to any women dealing with what I went through - there is light, trust me.

Illicit Encounters

Back by popular demand....

Illicit Encounters

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Letting Go with Panache

Ephiphanies - got to love them. I have had a very strange week, living in that kind of plateau you often go between stages of ex. My life is truly wonderful, I am happy, energized and joyful, but I realised that emotionally, at the deepest place in my heart I was emotionally not letting go of the past. I was giving the past my time, my energy and my thoughts. By chance (if you believe in chance) I discovered a woman called Patty Swyden Sullivan. She is an incredible woman. Divorced after 28 years of marriage, she is a social worker with more intuitive common sense than most and an empathy and gentle yet firm nature. I found her through the Sassy Pink Peppers, a social club for divorced women and ordered her 2 cd set called Letting Go With Panache. I listened to it in my car on the way to work, and the way home from work and then sitting in front of my apartment for 30 minutes. It's absolutely the most insightful creation - designed for women who are experiencing a block in letting go of the emotions surrounding a divorce.

I highly recommend this cd set. You can order it on her website.  The concept is very simple, and that is you have to get to the heart of what is holding you back and through an examination of your feelings honestly and without negative branding and exercise what she calls the 3 "P"s - perspective, perserverence and proactive. So, you can move your thoughts to a positive place where you are empowered, energized and creating your own fabulous life.  It's practical, approachable and almost simplistic in its approach to dealing with divorce. But then again it is simple...it's all about just turning the meter just a few centimetres to the right or left - changing your thoughts and perspective and through the power of intention moving toward the postive light of a fabulous new life.

I just about ran off the road tonight trying to do the exercise below with pen and paper in hand..it was a fantastic exercise..try it. For more on Patty, visit her website .

Now do this test and reflect deeply on the answers.  And then just order Patty's cd. You will not be disappointed. Take five sheets of paper and label them accordingly:

1. INVENTORY QUESTIONS 
2. BEFORE MEETING SPOUSE 
3. DURING COURTSHIP OF SPOUSE 
4. DURING MARRIAGE TO SPOUSE 
5. CURRENT

On page number one, Inventory Questions, going vertically down the page write out a series of questions, you may use additional sheets of paper that can be stapled to page one.

Suggested questions:

What do I do when I am alone and have free time?

What music do I listen to?

What do I watch on TV?

Would others describe me as quiet or gregarious?

Am I more energized when I am around people or when I am by myself?

What QUALITIES attracts me to someone?

What QUALITIES attracts people to me?

When friends call ON THE PHONE ARE OUR CONVERSATIONS AN EXCHANE OF INFORMATION OR ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS? WHOSE?

When I call a friend ON THE PHONE ARE OUR CONVERSATIONS AN EXCHANE OF INFORMATION OR ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS? WHOSE?

What proportion of money do I spend on myself?

What do I like to buy?

Do I want to travel?

Do I like indoor activities’ or outdoor?

If I had six hours to divide between spending time with family, friends, or by myself how would I divide the six hours?

My perfect day is…

My greatest achievements are:

My biggest dream is?

My favorite politician is:

My favorite entertainer is:

The person I most admire:

I wear my hair:

Can I walk into a party, wedding, reunion, by myself

My biggest worry is:

I wish I could be more…

I am so proud that I…

My greatest strength is:

My biggest regret is:

What are my fantasies?

I vow to:

For each succeeding page, numbers 2-5 prepare to answer questions on page one by meditating, looking at photographs, reading letters or diaries from that time period, or any other means of putting yourself in the time frame that corresponds to the page number. Visualize something you wore during that time period, events that come to mind, and the people in your life during that time period. Then answer the questions by writing down your answers.

Allow enough time to clear your mental state of each time period before assuming the frame of mind for the page you are working on. It may take you several days to complete the inventory.

When you are finished compare your answers from the different time periods in your life. What are the most noticeable changes? What has remained constant? Are you pleased with the answers, changes, consistencies or do you wish to reinvent parts of yourself?

Can you see the influence you had over your spouse or that he had over you? Was the influence balanced or did one of you have more than the other? How does this information sit with you? Did you discover through this inventory which likes and dislikes are truly your own, which ones were compromises, and which ones were someone else’s?

If after the inventory you have questions about your feelings, your personality traits, and how you interact with others you can contact a life coach, therapist, or even delve into the subject with family or friends who know you well and who you have complete faith and trust. Good luck with your personality detective work!!

Don't Call Him!

Seriously, if there was just ONE piece of advice I could give to someone in the first three years of a divorce (and after that if its still on your mind - please seek help) :-) is do NOT, I repeat do NOT call (and that includes email, text messaging, conversations via friends, etc. I love the book The Girls Guide to Surviving a Breakup by Delphine Hirsch. Its refreshing, fun and practical. She has a section on "DO NOT CALL HIM" and its very funny.  She says "My friend Lucy....she will call him usually around 3am. He will be sleeping (surprise) and their conversation will inevitably be disappointing, then she will freak out for a few hours, smoking a carton of cigarettes, and call me hysterically crying...and while this is a scenario I have played out myself several times myself, I've never known anyone to feel better after a wee hours phone call to her ex". But seriously, I highly recommending this to your booklist, although for the first year its unlikely you'll listen to anything anyone says...but I must try to convince you otherwise. Here's the deal. Men don't like to talk. Period.  Its been proven now - I read some study somewhere, that women talk 10 times more than men and although men would argue its because its quality not quantity, I mean look how well they've done with managing the world so far with their vocabulary :-) (joke) They compartmentalize and move on, usually very quickly and any examination of what should have, could have, must have happened is just not something they want to discuss. So, when the divorce papers are signed that's their permission to move on and pretend (and I don't mean to be cold and heartless here) without you ever in their life again. My ex and I went through a kind of Pavlovian exercise, where every time I sent him an email of say 30 words to ask what I considered a very simple question - like why did you leave? :-) he would respond with 5 word answers. Like 'because I felt like it'. So I would then write a 20 word email - carefully composed over hours and hours and hours - and he would reply with two words. We are now down to one word emails and its actually very efficient and breathtakingly painless.

So..that's my advice for today. Get a puppy, kitten, travel, learn to skydive, dance, sing, or even find another man or woman to keep conversation going in another direction . Please, do yourself a huge favour and don't continually look back to the past with regret and guilt. Do not waste another precious second of your life.  Five years from now you'll wonder why on earth you threw away so many wonderful days with sadness and self punishment. It is what it is, and even though you can't see it today, you will reach a day when you can breathe again. Trust me. 

Number One Reason for Divorce is Marriage

I have come to the illuminating awareness that there is only one way to never have to go through the pain and suffering of a divorce. Never get married.  100% of women who never get married, don't get divorced, and those are pretty good odds to me.  Over 50% of women who do get married get divorced and that is just depressing. One in two marriages.

But why? It has been argued that people grow out of love, they change, infidelity in a moment of weakness turns the dial from 100% commitment and love to 0% trust in the blink of an eye. Divorce is happening everywhere, every country, every religion, every age, every socio economic level.  I came across a great blog by Karve who I think has hit it on the head.  It's all about dimishing tolerance and the desire (the feeling that we have a right) for a perfect relationship.  It's that simple.  Men want beauty and sexual variety to be refreshed every few years, if the marriage moves from 100% to 99% its time to move on. Trade up.  Here's what Karve says

Divorce is not longer an ugly word. Its happening all around us. Rising expectations, coupled with diminishing tolerance levels are taking their toll, even in the middle class mileau of "conservative' towns and cities. Everyone want's a 'perfect' relationship and and 'ideal' marriage, but they want it on their own terms.  The modern mantra seems to be that if the relationship is not working, it is better to sever it, split up, rather than endure and make efforts to patch up"

Sad but true.

Divorced Women Be Prepared

Ok this has absolutely nothing to do specifically with divorce, but in an effort to educate and empower all you divorce divas out there and because the summer travel season is just around the corner AND you are a good little girl scout now that you are traveling anywhere your heart desires on your own (say yay!!!) - here are 911 numbers for places other than the US. It never occured to me - honestly - that the numbers would be so different - ok I've been living under a rock...but here goes~

Emergencies can arise anytime—and any place. Be prepared when traveling; know how to call for help.

Hopefully you'll never need to use 911 services - but I say always be prepared for anything in this crazy life. You'll feel more confident and empowered~

Now where is my phone charger?

All EU countries, 112

Argentina, 911

Australia, 000

Canada, 911

Hong Kong, 999

Israel, 100

Japan, 119

Mexico, 060

Switzerland, 144

Thailand, 191

What Women Really Want

There is a famous quote by Freud (gotta love him) along the lines of "I have spent years working with "them" and still have not answered the fundamental question - What Do Women Want?? Being a woman myself, I have spent a considerable amount of time dealing with that conundrum. Divorce provides a fresh impetus to ask it all over again and to change the answer if necessary. Several times. Here by the way is where Freud got totally messed up.

We do change our minds, and after being with a man who perhaps defined us more by what HE wanted - life after divorce can be both a liberating and terrifying experience.

A few years ago, after my divorce, I did a  "Great Escape" type trip around the world. It was a trip for charity - 21 days, 22,000 miles, visting Hong Kong, China, India, Egypt, Turkey, Dubai, Czech Republic, Croatia and met so many incredible women along the way. The great fun of the event was that our group didn't know from one day to the next where we were going, and at each destination we had to solve puzzles and scavenges that ranged from a camel ride to the Pyramids to smoking a hookah in a Turkish cafe. It was a fabulous way of getting energised and of regaining some of the confidence in my ability as a woman to be resouceful, strong, creative and brave. Oh yes, and very tired.

Anyway, I stumbled upon women of all ages, from all countries from all around the world traveling with verve and joy, and sitting in the airport in Delhi found a fantastic article in an Indian newspaper on just the subject of What Women Want. It was saying that the trend of women leaving their families to go on travel tours was increasing in India and that is not just adventurers or singles party, but housewives, divorcees leaving behind their old world and seeking adventure and new experience. They are EXploring!!! Finally. In India some hotels are rising to the challenge and establishing women only floors and a houseboat in Kerela's backwater in Alappuzha is run entirely by women and is for women only.

What did they discover about what women travelers want?

Women like to travel in groups of 3-5 - sometimes 7
They opt for packages between 4 and 7 nights
They are interested in ecclectic activities - not just shopping - duh!
They choose foreign over domestic travel
They spend between $100 and $150 a day

And that's just a little glimpse Mr Freud into the mysterious minds of strong, empowered women. You didn't really have a clue.

Ex-Rated You

Welcome to Explore
After long excruciating days in EXile, the frenetic outpouring of grief and anger in EXpress, and the cleansing Exorcism of renewal, you finally get it. Life is short. You are feeling more human and want to actually go OUT into the world, examine your options and start to EXplore.

Money Can’t Buy Happiness
One of the most terrifying aspects of divorce is that there is often a justifiable deep concern with financial security. It’s a fact that most women end off financially worse off after the end of a relationship. There is often a tendency to want to move to a new city, change jobs, return to school, make a big change! These are all good goals! Take chances if you feel ready, but beware the pitfalls. Exploring starts at home.

Money Can Buy Options
In the stage of Explore, money is not the goal but can be a key. Money opens doors.. Robin Spears is a travel writer who, after her very dramatic divorce 6 years ago, left her small community in Lake Tahoe to move to San Francisco to jump start her career as a writer. She spent the next 5 years traveling the world, looking for her new home. She went on a kind of blind date with the world, which in many ways combined her EXile and EXplore stages at once. Robin now offers women’s workshops in Brazil for women in this exciting stage of EX.

Do What you Love!
One of the least expensive ways to EXplore new options is to read about them first. Test the waters, let your heart and mind wander into new territory without judgment or expectation. Bookstores these days are a treasure trove of adventure, education and inspiration. What activities map to that leading lady you defined back in EXorcise? Start a hobby, join a club, and learn a new skill. Try new things and do what feels good for a change! Take chances any chance you can!

EXplore the World
For many EX-ers, travel is a great way to reaffirm individuality, and experience the incredible world we have been ignoring while in EXile. The challenge is that now you are flying solo and that presents its own set of issues. One site that you absolutely MUST visit is www.journeywoman.com. It is the absolute best site for women traveling alone and has all the resources that you’ll ever need. Travel is one of the most liberating and energizing ways to reinvent yourself, alone or with other women.

EX-Appeal
This is a time for redefining your sexuality which was probably a strong component of your relationship. For many women, sex or even sensuality, has not been a part of their lives while in EXile, EXpress or EXorcise. Men have been blacklisted for many and ignored for others. The stages of EX are really focused individual redefinition, so now that the thought of another individual in the mix is scary. EXploring one’s new sexuality is a great opportunity to embrace and there are so many innovative women’s shops that help you get some practice. There is attractiveness to being an EX. You are self assured, confident and in a state of mind where you won’t compromise!! Men love this, so enjoy your EX-Appeal. New clothes, new look, new toys – go for it!! EXPLORE your options and have FUN!!!

Divorce Buddhist Style

Check it out...Storms Can't Hurt the Sky - dealing with Divorce with a little help from the Buddha~

Buddhism has been applied to everything from parenting to golf, but until now no one has offered Buddhist principles as a healing path through divorce. In Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky, Gabriel Cohen bravely delves into his personal experience-along with insights from Buddhist masters, parables, humor, social science studies, and interviews with other divorcés-to provide a practical and very helpful guide to surviving the pain of any break-up. Focusing on the emotions most common in the dissolution of a relationship-anger, resentment, loss, and grief-Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky shows how thinking about these feelings in surprisingly different ways can lead to a radically better experience. This compulsively readable book offers sound advice and much-needed empathy for anyone dealing with a break-up.”

Money-Bag Lady

OK listen up. This is really really really important.  In the middle of a divorce you are not thinking of anything but what on earth went wrong, how you breathe, what you do next. You are not thinking calmly, clearly, no matter how in control you feel that you are. I used a collaborative lawyer which was the right solution for me at the time, although had I been firing on all brain cells and found a blog like this, I would have taken the advice I am going to give you. First, find a shrewd, objective and talented attorney. Someone who knows every aspect of divorce law and has a creative approach to divorce settlements. Someone who understands what you are going through but totally and absolutely ignores your pleas to 'be nice' and 'not be greedy. Listen to him/her. Don't argue. Breathe. THEN, and this is the most important thing - after the divorce is final, no matter how much money you are earning - get a FINANCIAL ADVISOR - get your 401K, and retirement savings, long and short term disability, health insurance secure - do it~you must do it!

Here's why..

Many retire into poverty, but it doesn't have to be that way

By Sandra Block, USA TODAY

In Victorian times, polite society shunned divorced women, often forcing them to spend their later years alone. Today, some divorced women suffer a different fate. Among low-income retirees, they are the poorest of the poor.

According to federal statistics, 22% of divorced female retirees live in poverty vs. 18% of widows and 20% of women who never married. And the situation could get much worse. The number of retirement-age women will increase by 84% in the next 20 years to 9.6 million, according to US Census figures. Meanwhile, the divorce rate remains stuck at about 48%.

Poorly constructed divorce settlements and short-term thinking — trying to hang onto a dream home that took two incomes to support, for instance — can cripple women's. Even in the best of circumstances, many divorced women are forced to work long after the traditional retirement age.

Poorly constructed divorce settlements are another key reason for the problem. They can be devastating, especially for elderly women who need to rely on pension rights as . While it's easy to blame heartless husbands, women often make themselves vulnerable, financial planners say. Too often, they give up a portion of their ex-husband's pension or other retirement savings, such as a 401(k) plan, in exchange for the house or other immediately accessible assets.

Too often, women jeopardize their future security because they want to put the pain behind them, Pozzo says. "You've got to hire people around you that you feel confident are representing you," she says. "You just can't give up.".

Instead, divorced women must construct what policymakers call the three-legged stool of retirement: Social Security, personal savings and company retirement plans:Take advantage of spousal Social Security benefits. A woman who was married for at least 10 years before her divorce may qualify for benefits based on her spouse's work history, rather than her own. In many cases, that results in larger payments.

Working women should take greater advantage of 401(k) plans and similar programs. Unlike traditional pensions, women don't have to stay at the same job for years to benefit from those plans. A woman who leaves her job to care for her children can roll her savings into an individual retirement account.

Your divorce is a moment in time, at worst you'll cry for a year and then every anniversary, you'll feel like hell and like your world is imploding on a regular basis, but being broke, dependent and depressed because you didn't take the time at the divorce to negotiate and then plan your finances - well that's a lifetime situation to deal with.

Divorce - Express Yourself~

Could Have, Should Have…
EXpress is the stage of EX where you: 1) Obsess about all the things you didn’t say or do in your relationship. It’s a mind numbing cycle of self effacing guilt and sadness. 2) Have an irrational desire to speak to someone, anyone. You want to share your personal tragedy with friends, family, shop-assistants, hairdresser, and complete strangers. You want sympathy, comfort and a shoulder to cry on. 3) Are stuck in a permanent mind loop. Feelings of anger, despair, frustration and pain dominate your life.

Why ME?
It’s important to realize you have not been handpicked by some spiteful deity for this painful experience. Change is the only constant. What used to be “until death do us part” is now “until it doesn’t feel good anymore” or “we’ve changed, let’s move on”. No judgment, love is a victim of change, the nature of all that exists. , So count yourself lucky that you’ve been given the opportunity to start over again. My mother found out about my father’s affair at age 48, and died of a broken heart two years later (they called it cancer). She didn’t have the support infrastructure or will to live without him. She died and he lived happily another 25 years with the women of his choice. That to me seems a very sad outcome for a woman who deserved better.

Don’t Call Your Ex!!
You’ve spent countless hours analyzing your ex’s shortcomings and you figure it’s time to give him a call and tell him in precise detail how he ruined your life. But STOP, before you pick up the phone, don’t do it! Buy a journal, eat chocolate or buy a small indulgence for yourself - its far less humiliating. He doesn’t want to hear your anger or tears. Even if it makes you feel better, it doesn’t matter anymore. Trust me on this. Most men (and I know there are exceptions) have their own way of dealing with divorce and separation. They compartmentalize, deny and move on. Quickly.

Scream, Whine, Moan and Generally Lose It!
As Sue, a friend divorced in her 30’s said “ALL CAPS #@**!!+#” are definitely allowed in this space. There are some great women’s websites where you can let it out and you can also visit our EX in the City Forum. Give yourself a second change by EXpressing your inner rage. It will be healthier for you and you’ll create a healthier roadmap to a new future. If you don’t do it now, you will have to live with the unexpressed horror of guilt, remorse and a sense of utter abandonment By now you’ve probably tested your best friend’s patience with nightly 3 hour phone-calls analyzing the situation over and over. Trust in your inner strength and know all this WILL pass!

EXpress Yourself!
So after your throat and heart are exhausted from screaming, pull out the roadmap of your life (which may be a total blank sheet, by the way) and try to define some destination, but take each day, one at a time. .

Living in Exile

The first stage of healing after a relationship break-up normally finds you wanting to go into some kind of EXile. No matter how bad the relationship was when he’s finally gone you are devastated. You are living in your own private hell and don’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving the house. The thought of taking out the garbage is overwhelming. Welcome to EXile! Here are some tips to help you survive:

Dark sunglasses: your new best friend.
You WILL cry – A LOT. So, your number one purchase should be a pair of very dark sunglasses. Live in them. Feel like an exotic and wounded creature that needs protection from the bright lights of reality. It’s really ok. You will cry all the time and that too will pass. At some point you’ll realize there’s a world around you that you love, people who care, maybe even a future.

Don’t make ANY big decisions.
In Exile you feel so alone and vulnerable. You can’t sleep for longer than a few hours and you are still fantasizing about re-uniting with your ex (even if you won’t admit it). My advice is not to make decisions and to not expect any concentration or clarity of mind. A friend once advised me that this is the time to firmly put the oxygen mask on and to breathe. Don’t take it off to help anyone else until you are feeling stronger yourself.

Put future plans on hold.
Try not to make commitments and don’t buy tickets to events. YOU WON’T GO. Trust me on this. I booked massage sessions, volunteer sessions, concert tickets (and if you think missing a concert with Tina Turner is an easy thing) – well it just shows how much of a complete and utter hermit you want to be in this stage of “EX”.

Important safety tips.
Try not to start smoking, overeating, over anything. if you can help it. Avoid drinking excessively – you will just feel worse. Drugs at your peril. As a general rule, refuse to indulge in any addictions because trust me you’ll have absolutely no self control to quit!!

Be gentle on yourself.
This is the stage where you’ll beat yourself up for every little thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. You can’t believe you sent your ex another email telling him what a creep-coward-monster he was. (By the way, when are email designers going to figure out that the most valuable feature in email for many ‘ex-ers’ is the “recall” feature?). EXile is temporary, although it doesn’t feel like it. All this WILL pass. It’s a cliché, but time heals.

Respect your family and friends.
Kids (if you have them) may want to help, but keep in mind you look pretty freaky at this time - streaks of mascara, unwashed hair, sobbing into your Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Cherry ice-cream. It’s not a pretty sight and can do irreparable damage to young minds. Your kids remember you as a happy mom, the smiling, ever cheerful problem solver. You have been their hero for years. This is a hard transition period for them too. How you handle this time will impact them, so be authentic and truthful above all else.

Get help if you need it!!
Consider seeing a counselor, or joining an online support group. Your friends really can’t help you through this state of EXile.. You are not the person they used to know, but that’s ok. You are NEVER going to be that person again. The great news is that you are on the road to a future that will be filled with new opportunity, new friends and challenges, and probably, although at this point you refuse to accept it, a new love.

The "D" Spot

New discovery....fantastic site

Discover the "D" Spot - Helping Women Regroup, Renew and Re-Invent Themselves before, during and after a Divorce

Don’t know where you are in your divorce journey?
Overwhelmed with the enormity of the changes in your life?
Need support in managing your emotions and priorities?

Check out this site - 

Whether you find yourself in an unfulfilled marriage, pondering thoughts of separation or divorce, or whether you have finalized your divorce and are ready for the next chapter of life, the D spot is your place for community, resources, and support at every stage of your journey.

Divorce Party

Well some people are having just way too much fun in my apartment building and i say that with a big heart and very little sleep.  Last night the patter of high heels and giggles started shaking my roof and about 10 hours the whoooo whoooo's stopped and the chandeliers stopped shaking. What on earth was going on?  Well since my mind moves in strange and wonderful ways, I can only assume a divorce party was underway and could imagine the group of women playing with voodoo dolls and drinking wine coolers, celebrating the end of a relationship or marriage - a well documented healing process for that greatest of all life transitions. 

That primitive and incredibly pink transformation from EX to EXtraordinary!!!

So what is a divorce party? Check out this site - Divorce Party Planner - and all will be revealed.

Christine Gallagher devised the concept in her book "How to Throw a Breakup Party" and gets into the deep dark motivation on her website Revenge Lady.  You can email her directly at ChristineGallagher@divorcepartyplanner.com 

Why have a Divorce Party (and this is not just for real marriages, but breakups of all kinds) Any reason for a party in my opinion. Here are Christine's justifications.

• A Divorce Party is a way to mark the end of the pain and suffering that comes with divorce.
• A Divorce Party provides the ritual we humans need to cope with any difficult life transition. Rituals provide comfort and community.
• A Divorce Party is an opportunity to vent, to cry, laugh, yell, whatever you need to do, in the company of loving friends and family.
• Friends can throw a party to show their divorcing pal that they are supported, loved and not alone.
• The party can be a great way the newly divorced person can thank all the people who stood by them through the ordeal of separation.
• The party is an opportunity to announce your new status in life. You are now single and available for new experiences and even new relationships. A whole new phase of life is just beginning. And that is something to celebrate!

Dating After Divorce: Avoiding the Same Mistakes

Dr. Annie Dennison is a dating and relationship coach and psychologist. Her mission is to help women make smarter choices about men, especially in the dangerous waters of dating after divorce. She comments on how many divorced women worry about the same thing: if they start dating, they’ll fall into old patterns and ultimately choose the wrong man all over again. After all, isn’t there some truth to the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are”? 

Her blog is a great resource for women - check it out here http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/after/datingafterdivorce.php .  She offers some great advice on collaborative divorce, how to find a therapist, coach, money advice or post divorce legal matters http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/after/index.php.

She actually links to some fabulously silly books - Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World and Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends.

You know, I think I'd rather just make the same mistakes again - lots more fun~and its a bit like that movie Run Lola Run, where a slight deviation on the theme takes you to a totally different place. It's like watching dream unfold in parallel universes. Not taking it all too seriously is my advice. 

Divorce Tarot - The Queen of Swords

If there is one card that represents the woman dealing with a divorce, its the Queen of Swords. Hold up the mirror. I love this card.

A complex, courageous, intelligent woman, who may well have suffered some deep sorrow or loss.  She is concerned with attention to accuracy and detail and can skillfully balance opposing factions to meet her own needs.  She has attained inner wisdom and a sense of truth.  The cards is one for women who have overcome adversity especially at the hands of men, to obtain a state of grace. 

The Queen of Swords is the great warrior queen. She is ready for battle, yet is combined with femininity and creative intelligence. An independent career woman with her own ideals and values. She is sharp and quick witted and intensely perceptive. She usually outwits her opponents. She believes knowledge is power.

She knows how to cut through extraneous information to get to the heart of the matter. She can be outspoken and have a sharp tongue. She can also be vindictive at times. She is secretive and can detect this in others. She may have to defend her position and fight for what is hers.

She may signify a widow or a woman of sadness. One who has known great happiness and lost it. It can be a card of mourning

Physically usually (though not always) tall and/or slender woman. Quite often has dark hair. Refined appearance and conservative in dress most of the time. Gracious manner. She prefers sophisticated clothing.

Personality is cautious and clever. Can be cunning, destructive and manipulative. She is often aloof and distant. She keeps her distance and puts up barriers around herself. She displays an air of unemotional responses. She may appear hard, selfish and self-controlled. Beneath her facade she hides much previous emotional pain and/or hardship. She has learnt how to survive. She is a woman alone. She is either a widow, divorced, a spinster or without a loving partner. She may have spent a long time on her own and keeps up her defenses and her sword drawn to protect her at all times. She has a fondness for red roses.

She looks good in black clothing. She likes to wear expensive or perhaps antique and conservative jewellery most of the time, though sometimes she wears some bold jewels. She knows she would or could be seduced if she lets her guard down. She is not a social butterfly. She can seem to be unforgiving in some circumstances, but this is her self-defence mechanism being activated to avoid feeling pain and disturbing emotional reactions. She cries in her sleep, and little elsewhere.

She feels more in control if she can avoid having too deep feelings for anyone, lest they puncture her heart and give her reason to despair. She can become big hearted if in the right company and circumstances and when she feels safe and secure. There is hope for her and she is wise enough to know it. She is symbolic of the rose, seductive and potentially dangerous, capable of cutting the skin and making it bleed, yet the soft velvety petals can blossom into the most beautiful arrangement and captivate your heart. She is wistful and reflective, serious yet sensuous, yet always alert. She is capable of being the Goddess or the crucifier.

Occupations suited to her would be the head of a company or large organization. Also she would make a great surgeon, doctor, police officer, dentist or anything that involves the use of sharp items or weapons. She would make a good soldier, warrior, fighter or leader of a revolution. She knows only one truth, her own.

Her future lies in learning to trust others again. She has been severely betrayed in the past by women and men alike. She may need to take a leaf out of the book of the Queen of Cups, who is more giving, loving and affectionate. She could have a love relationship but only if total trust exists. There is no room for dishonesty or lies. If she is betrayed, she severs her relationships completely and irrevocably and never goes back. Friends are cast off and not seen again should they make the mistake to betray or abuse her. Her goodwill only stretches so far and behind that she may lose some of her sense of compassion, knowing that others should learn to be more self-reliant, like herself. She may go to the extreme of cutting off her husband's head, should he betray or deceive her.

Collage of interpretations from many tarot sites including ~apologies if I have missed any references - send me your details it I have inadvertently quoted parts of your interpretation and I'll be sure to mention~ http://www.uraniannights.com/tarot/queenofswords.html

http://www.paranormality.com/tarot_queen_of_swords.shtml

http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/project/1/queenswords_liliana.shtml

http://tarotjourney.net/tarot-cards/minor-arcana/swords/13-queen-of-swords/

Bohemian Beguines

"I am considering the long period of hardship, and how all rents have become extraordinarily high and all goods on earth most horribly expensive, and everything today even increases in price because of the great wars and various heavy burdens and taxes that multiply every year, causing enormous expense, burden and sorrow to the people..who from day to day find it even more difficult to sustain themselves honorably and to raise their children properly."

Who do you suppose is speaking these words?  A candidate talking

2008 election rhetoric.  An economic analyst speaking of the impending recession?  No, these words were written in 1559 by Lievin vander Muelene a priest in Ghent who in his last will and testament set up a foundation for five young girls of his extended family to be educated believing so much in the power of education and civility.

He was also a great believer in the beguine movement which had started 300 years before – a fascinating alternative place for women who wanted a safe and respectable place to live a contemplative life, widowers, single women, not taking official church vows but in a protected community.  These bequines, single sex cities evolved in the midst of increasing urbanism where severe economic crises and wars limited options for women without husbands. Yes there were wars back then, women left alone.  They searched for a chaste life outside the church.  I really  think this idea should be revived. Imagine cities of women living their lives independently and with truth as the guiding principle.  No need or panic for a relationship, friendship and respect at the heart of their relationships. Hard work and a nurturing a sense of community and cooperation.

There is an element of spirituality and mysticism to the beguine movement, in fact many of them were eventually considered heretics since the women were intensely spiritual but refused to be defined within the formal definition of the church.  Bohemian beguines. A fascinating story and inspiration for women living outside traditional definitions of society.

Divorced women are in that category – accepted by society with the mind, but feared with the heart.  Divorced women don’t compromise in relationships, they don’t let men dominate or lie to them. They live their lives boldly in authenticity and that is fundamentally frightening to those living the status quo.  Playing the marriage game.  So many women feel they have to be married to be happy or fulfilled. They look out the windows of their sheltered and comfortable lives at their single sisters wishing they had the courage to leave a sad and miserable life of deceit.  Let’s face it most marriages have an element of falsity. Couples are living a lie within a lie.  At the heart may be something called love, but for the most part it's comfortable compromise – society’s formula for how men and women are 'supposed' to live.  The beguines of medieval Europe offered a home to the early female radicals. Feminists. 

If you are interested in beguines, these Cities of Ladies, check out the book by Walter Simons, Associate Professor at Dartmouth College or visit http://userwww.sfsu.edu/~epf/1995/beguine.html

Divorced At 50

I just came across this blog called Divorce at 50 and just had to share.  I've just spent an hour reading through her stories and reliving so many of the experiences I have gone through myself. I love the tagline - Divorce at 50 - or how I survived the loss of my best friend of 32 years and landed on my feet. There are fascinating posts ranging from very painful and personal - loss of a friend from an accidental overdose who was struggling with a divorce to pieces on eating solo to finding a job after 50 or a very interesting analysis of why men over 50 don't want women over 50.

Anyway, go check it out.  Here's the blurb on why this blogger decided to start writing about divorce...so similar to my own goals, I feel as though I've found a friend.  I like the bit about dignity and humor and a positive attitude -

I'm writing this blog for individuals who are going through the pain of divorce and who are seeking solace from someone who has gone through the same experience. Each of us has an individual story to share. I hope mine can help someone deal with their grief and loss. During the time of my divorce, books, advice columns, lawyers, counselors, movies, and some of my friends were of little help. I wanted to split amicably, with civility and HUMOR, and with my dignity intact. Besides, most self-help books target much younger people who face the challenges of raising small children and who (for the most part) have less income at their disposal. This was not my case. As in all divorces, my experience was painful. Hugely so, for I was losing my best friend - someone who had been part of my life for 32 years. In this blog I describe the steps I took to retain my sanity, nurture my inner self, and find the strength to move on and create a new life.

Whoever you are hope the journey is kind to you.

Heartbreak, Healing and Home Improvement

When Dominique Browning and her husband of 15 years divorced, she kept the house and garden they had shared in Westchester, but for a long time she was too depressed to care about where she lived. Gradually, she begins to see that working on the house she had neglected and transforming it into a home again is a way to recover from her despondency.

I wandered aimlessly for 2 years after my divorce, staying in various comfortable but depressing 'divorce hotels' (you have to watch Under the Tuscan Sun to get the full impact) until I found a beautiful little cottage with a garden twice the size of my house and digging into the ground with my two little chihuahua's nipping at my heels was the real grounding I needed.  I subsequently went back to living in a birdsnest apartment in the trees, no maintenance, gardens or leaking roof but that was the healing I needed.

In these short, elegant essays, Browning, a former editor-in-chief of House & Garden, muses on the aspects of domestic life that revived her and shows how she healed her heart and her home at the same time. Sometimes a book comes along that changes our outlook--perhaps even pulls us from despair. Around the House and In the Garden: A Memoir of Heartbreak, Healing and Home Improvement is one of those. 

Here is what one reader had to say..

Ms. Browning's book seemed to take my hand and yank me from the quagmire. She seemed to be saying, You are not the first woman to let a garden run to seed or to watch small trees sprout from your gutters! You are not the only woman who has made a mistake--whether it's choosing the wrong a sofa . . . or man. Giving ourselves permission to fix our lifes can often be as difficult as repairing a gas leak --the job is far too difficult and dangerous to contemplate. Setting ourselves free isn't painless--in fact, "setting" is the wrong word. It is more like ripping and tearing; although sometimes it can be more like a surgical separation--no matter, all methods are painful and require a period of rest and healing. That is the most important concept of the book--in her inimitable style, she gently reminds us that it is "okay" to let things go to seed, and that our houses and gardens are barometers of our emotional lives. These barometers will let us know when it is time to rebuild the nest.

I really love this book – it reminds me that no matter how sad, how depressed you feel after a divorce there are thousand ways to heal – to look around you at other beautiful women like Dominique who have walked that lonely path and found a way to smile again. Spring is a hopeful season in so many ways. Connecting with nature is a way for me to recharge my batteries and remind myself that even in the darkest moments, there is a reminder of life. Your life. The road you left is now closed to you - it is no longer an option - so choose your next path with a positive attitude. Let all the anger and regret go. Read this book and be inspired.

Ignite Your Potential

Barb Scala says that it's never too late to Bloom. A colleague at work today just shared the sad news that her mother in law died this weekend. So sad since she was a young 62 and her death totally unexpected.  Whenever I hear that news, my heart drops realizing that this wonderful woman probably thought she had many many years ahead of her to do all those things she dreamed about - the places, people and experiences she always assumed she would enjoy. But life isn't that predictable, so all the more reason to do things you love today - don't wait.

I just received an email for an event sponsored by Barb, a Divorce counsellor and Kari Henley-about a retreat in New England and wanted to pass it on. A weekend of bliss.

Join Bloom’s Barb Scala and Kari Henley of Gather Central as they present a life transforming get-a-way filled with beauty, introspection and powerful experiences for revitalization and rejuvenation, especially if you are:

At a turning point in your life?

Questioning your career or relationships?

Feel stuck and can’t find the answers of what to do next?

Want to gain life balance, clarity and a new direction?

On Saturday, pamper yourself at Water’s Edge Resort & Spa, a classic, turn of the century New England shoreline estate with breathtaking views overlooking Long Island Sound with its own private beach. Spend the afternoon settling in and unwinding by taking a beach stroll, indulge in spa treatments to help center your body, or just simply enjoy the views and relax. At night, get to know one another and engage in a cutting edge program to help you set your intentions and move forward in your life. Spend Sunday, at a nearby horse ranch retreat, SomeDay Farm, complete with a labyrinth walk for emotional balance and a Native American sweat lodge to purify body and spirit.  check it out. Make time for yourself. Oh yes, if you register by tomorrow April 1st, there is a $50 reducation being offered~ 

Defying Gravity

Prill Boyle is an inspiration.  She is actually an EXpert on my website www.exinthecity.com and I just can't resist promoting her, her attitude and her book Defying Gravity. Its all about reinventing your life anytime, anywhere, anyhow. No time limits to actualize your dreams. If you are 30 or 70 you can follow your dreams and live them out passionately and with joy. The book is a celebration of late blooming women~

Here is Prill's story~

Like the women she writes about in Defying Gravity, Prill Boyle is a late bloomer. After graduating from college at 38, she became an English teacher. Then in January of 2000 she read an article in The New York Times about a 65-year old Kentucky woman named Wini Yunker who had waited 39 years to join the Peace Corps. Inspired by this woman's persistence and courage, Prill decided to write a book about late bloomers--even though she had never written anything before. At age 47, she left her teaching job to write full time.

About the book...

Defying Gravity recounts the stories of 12 "ordinary" women who've done extraordinary things later in life. One woman didn't graduate from high school until she was 42 and is now a professor at an Ivy League university. Another was a shy housewife until she was 52 and is now the CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation.

Be inspired. What are you waiting for?  Life to rewind and for you to be 25 again? Not going to happen. But you know that.  And that 'knowing', that perspective is the gift of getting a little older. And wiser. Think big and defy gravity!!!

Divorce is a Numbers Game

Ok here is where my split personality kicks in. I do not have a warm and cuddly relationship with numbers. You'll hardly ever find me using them to support an argument but in certain circumstances data is power and I am getting better making friends with statistics.  I don't think there is any point in dwelling on this, but if you are interested I found a fascinating site that breaks down all the numbers around divorce...from surveys they have presumably done with all of you divorce statistics out there~

So if for example you are interested in the average age people who get divorced actually got married...here are those facts: Under 20 years old - women 37%, men 12%.  25 to 29 years old - women 37%, men 38%.  30 to 34 years old - women 16%, men 22%.  35-39 years old, women 5%, men 6% etc. 

Or perhaps you are interested in net worth after divorce, or how much adultery affected a divorce, or how cohabitation before marriage impacts divorce, or how many men say they want to be friends with their ex wife - (66% - more than I thought to be honest) check out the article here.

Rumi on Grace and Love

If you've been thinking about opening your heart to love, the divorce experience has probably left you wondering if you have the energy, the passion, the inner strength to ever accept love in your heart again.

This poem from Rumi says it all

Are you fleeing from Love because of a single humiliation?
What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion.
The human being resembles a tree; its root is a covenant with God:
that root must be cherished with all one's might.
A weak covenant is a rotten root, without grace or fruit.
Though the boughs and leaves of the date palm are green,
greenness brings no benefit if the root is corrupt.
If a branch is without green leaves, yet has a good root,
a hundred leaves will put forth their hands in the end

From: "Jewels of Remembrance"
Trans. Camille and Kabir Helminski

You may not see the leaves and flowers yet - but you know that the inner spirit, that desire for love and intimacy does not die - the root of your marriage had become unable to nurture positive growth - now you have a chance.

Blossom. Grow.

Ex Appeal

Are you in a state of EX?  Take a deep breath.  You have been dumped. Your husband, boyfriend or partner of 1, 7 or19 years told you that he doesn’t love you anymore. He told you that he had found a younger, older, more interesting, richer, slimmer, replacement or was having a serious mid life crisis and just needed some “space”. Read he is bored. He wants freedom. A change. Maybe he just changed his mind. Or perhaps he says he loves you with 99.999% of his heart, BUT there was a tiny little niggly gap that is eating away his heart like a flesh eating bacteria.  This cancer is bound to kill you both. So he is making it all better by leaving you now, before the malignancy grows out of control. Whatever the explanation, he was there one day and now he is gone. You will always remember the day, the minute, the second when it hit you. He was never going to kiss you again.

 

Suddenly, you feel like some evil and vitriolic witch has waved a very toxic magic wand over you and transformed you from an unconditionally loved and adored princess, goddess, wife, girlfriend into a craggy, old, unloved, unattractive and undesirable hag.  Just like that. Your life has changed beyond description. Workmates slink along the wall to avoid your glance. Friends became invisible, even your dog has gone very quiet. As the dumped party, the worst part of this little drama is that your shame and embarrassment is mixed with the justification that you did not initiate the separation. You were not the dumper, you were the “dumpee”.  Poor you. So in a kind of state of shock and in some kind of twisted way you try to think of ways to make HIM feel better. You try to be classy, graceful, understanding and nurturing. Your mantra is “we can still be good friends” as you watch him slip into the arms of that lover he denied and find yourself making excuses for his tragic indecisiveness and ignore your own need to heal and regroup by trying to help him feel “ok” about the terrible guilt he is feeling. You remain the constant nurturer. While all the time well you felt like garbage, a leftover lover, discarded and – well just plain dumped!

All of a sudden the prefix EX settles on you like a ton of bricks.  Ex wife. Ughhh. At first you will go through the traditional stages of denial, why me, let’s make a deal, followed by anger, bargaining (you even consider moving your ethical line in the sand) followed by depression. But it’s time to not only face the dumpee designation and move on but to look at the positives of being in a state of “Ex”.  Move on from EX to Extraordinary!!

Let's face it. In any breakup there has to be one of each – a dumpee and dumper.  Both are not a lot of fun. One is the bad “guy”, filled with guilt, remorse, uncertainty but more money and a replacement lover. The other is the good "guy"  filled with guilt, remorse, uncertainty, less money and an irrational fear and distrust of the opposite sex. That's usually how it goes. At first glance it appears life is a little easier for the dumper - but it’s not all bad news for the dumpee.  It really wasn’t your decision to end the relationship, you did everything you could. (That will remain your story for ever but we all really know that the break was a joint effort and you honestly were as much to ‘blame’).  And there are actually some appealing characteristics which make an “ex” very attractive to men. The first titillating thing is you have a cold and uncaring look, a sexy detachment that is very attractive and intriguing.   You exude a total and complete lack of interest that screams “don’t you dare touch me” message. Men love this challenge. And so you start all over again. What is that phrase - Love like you've never been hurt - it's the only way to ever be kissed again.

Lighter Side of Divorce

I just discovered a cool site called Squidoo - it's a really fun community site where you type in words on subjects of passion/interest to you and voila up come comments, articles and resources on that subject written by other people with similar passions from all over the world.  Everything from product to services, places, people, things. It's a really fascinating concept and an incredible time waster.  Tons of intirguing people and subjects - honestly check it out. www.squidoo.com.  So last night I search on divorce and find this page just full of cool links, books and resources. And since that is what this blog is all about - helping women going through the transition from the messy confusion and dark depresssion of divorce to - well the uncharted territory hopefully much improved greener grass on the other side of divorce, I thought I'd share this link.

This particular page is by someone called Lynn. Here is how she describes herself...

Hello! My name is Lynn, I live on the east coast of Scotland, I'm a parent and work from home. I have several family and health websites including Family Den etc....you get the picture.

So her comments on the Lighter Side of Divorce are just great and the resources relevant and useful.  Topics inlcude Stuff you can buy to tell the world you are divorced, t-shirts, buttons, mugs etc.  Books on "Dumping Him" and "I'm So Over Him" and a list of the ten cool things you can do without a man

• You have the whole bed to yourself.
• You no longer have to feel exasperated at his inability to figure out how the washing machine works.
• You don't have to pretend to like his friends anymore.
• You can slob around without any snide comments from him.
• You don't have to iron his shirts, cook his meals or generally be a substitute mother to him.
• You can watch romantic movies all day every day if you want.
• You can eat chocolate without him mentioning your diet.
• Your mother-in-law becomes an ex too.
• You can talk on the phone for as long as you want with your girlfriends or mother.

She lists bunch of cool things to enjoy in the "comfort zone' of single living - luxury pampering goodies. There are inspirational songs (Sisters are doing it for themselves, I will survive, Hole in the head, I am woman) , books and list of movies for incurable romantics.

It's a comprehensive lighter side of divorce guide all on one page and after an hour of perusing i am stil link link linking away. Thanks Lynn - great work!!!!!

Check it out http://www.squidoo.com/womenafterdivorce

Why Men Cheat on Beautiful Women

Last year I attended a woman's conference and talked to many women about relatioships, breakups and divorce. I was reseraching for my website www.exinthecity.com and wanted to understand the dynamics of recovery and renewal after a divorce. I was surprised first of all at the hostility. I can't count the number of ex husbands and boyfriends who were called "jerks", "bastards", and worse.  Many women carried excessive and irrational anger, many for years and years. Some burst into tears as we spoke, for them the hurt was raw. It was as if the separation, the rejection, the discovery had just happened.  For some young women, it had JUST happened, friends had captured cell phone pictures of their boyfriends in compromising situations. They seemed the most upbeat - it was kind of a gotcha game. But for those who had lived through serious relationships, divorce or separation demanded a serious recovery effort. Some had remarried, many had totally withdrawn inside themselves and refused to date.  They all made their way ahead in their own style and to the best of their ability. It was so sad.

One thing that shocked me beyond belief were the truly beautiful women who came up to me and told me of the men who had hurt them, physically, mentally and emotionally. Many had money stolen, dreams shattered, drugs had created dark rifts - there were endless stories.But here were these stunning and I mean STUNNING women - beating themselvs up, living in such deep sadness because some guy had cheated on them.  I looked at these women, and could not for the life of me figure out why any man would cheat on them.  Beauty, money, class is clearly not enough.  It just boggles my mind. Hillary Swank, Reese Witherspoon are just two celebrities who were not good enough for their husbands who cheated, did drugs, god knows what.  There are thousands more. I am beginning to feel that I truly don't understand relationships at all. Is it fear, boredom, intimidation, self hate that drives men to want more and take the huge risks to get it?  Is it a sense of invincibilty, power, control?  If these two gorgeous women can't keep a man happy and committed, what hope is there for the rest of us. Honestly. Help me understand.   

Men Fight Divorce Depression

You are joking right?  I don't know about you but I am so tired of research this and research that. Someone must have told anyone trying to get their point across about thing on earth that if you just preface it with ...research shows.....everyone will nod their head in unison and go "of course" why didn't I think of that. It must be true.  "They say....." = uniquivocal truth. One minute research" says that cranberry juice is good for you and then within a few months, research says that it will kill you faster than a fire ant. Well I am the only one I know who would be killed by a fire ant because I am deathly allergic to them. But I digress.

So, I have my doubts about thes reserach findings.  The general theme is that men don't have the 'support system' of women going through a divorce and therefore they are more suceptible to d.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n - you know they don't have the girls to go shoe shopping with, to give hugs and support!  They have to face the deep dark depths of divorce all by themselves. Ahhhh.  What do YOU think ?  Here's the piece.

Men More Prone to Depression After a Divorce  by Lorrayne Anthony of the Western Star, a newspaper I THINK is in British Columbia, Canada. Check it out here.

The stereotype might be that a man relishes trading his wife for a fast car or a younger woman, but a new study finds that men appear to take separation harder than women.

While both men and women whose marriages have dissolved have a higher risk of being depressed than people who remained with their spouses, a Statistics Canada study found that men who had divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression compared with men who remained married. Women who had undergone marital breakups were 3.5 times more likely to have had bouts of depression than their counterparts who were still in relationships.

The survey found that 12 per cent of people who were no longer in a relationship reported a new episode of depression, while just three per cent of those who remained in a relationship had suffered new depression.

Michelle Rotermann, the author of the study, said she was surprised, and also not surprised, by the results.

"On the one hand we know depression in general tends to be more common among women, but there is also a lot of evidence that shows that men have fewer social supports and social support does seem to play a role," she said. "Perhaps one of the reasons why men are more at risk of experiencing subsequent depression is because one of their main sources of social support is their partner, their spouse, and now she is no longer there," said Rotermann, an analyst at Statistics Canada.

No Men Allowed

Being an EX in the City often means traveling alone to other cities around the world. While most working women today are comfortable working and traveling alongside men, wouldn't it be nice every now and again to have a hotel where just women were allowed? Sometimes it is a little creepy when you order room service and a man delivers it- fully dressed, all prim and proper while you are wrapped in a towel, hair dripping wet with bare feet. So, here are a few women only hotels I have found - can't vouch for them but they are worth checking out~

Berlin

Artemisia at Brandenburgische Str. 18, Berlin 10707, Germany - is the first hotel exclusively for women in Berlin. Since 1989 and renovated 2001. In the center of the town, very close to an underground station. On the 3rd,4th and 5th floor of an old, modernized Berlin building, reached easily by elevator. With comfortable rooms and a beautiful sun deck. The changing display of paintings by women artists contribute to the unique atmosphere of our hotel. If you come to Berlin, for business or pleasure, we are sure: this woman-identified atmosphere will make your stay a memorable experience. The daily buffet breakfast has a variety of items to please everyone, and is available from early to noon. In summer you can enjoy your breakfast on our large sun deck. There you may relax and enjoy the view over Berlin. Driving Directions: The Underground Station line 7: 'Konstanzer Strasse' is outside the main door.

London

In the new development at the 300-room Grange City hotel, which mainly serves executives visiting the City, room service staff will be women, creating privacy and security for guests who will be able to walk along corridors without encountering businessmen.

68 Rooms will incorporate female-friendly features such as extra-large illuminated wardrobes and a “movie star” backlit make-up mirror in the bathroom, an extra-powerful hairdryer with long cord, and, for security, a spy-hole and chain lock. The room service staff is femaie so women can order breakfast and stay in their pajamas

Switzerland

Lady's First Hotel - Zurich, Switzerland

A group of businesswomen in Zurich have opened the first hotel in the city exclusively for women. Designed by a well-known female architect, “Lady’s First” is an oasis of calm in the midst of the hectic city.As a well-travelled businesswoman, Schneider knows what women want from a medium-priced hotel. Housed in a late 19th century building in a trendy district of the city, Lady’s First boldly combines new and old, offers a spacious sauna and relaxation area, and adds simple touches that are often overlooked, but make the difference between a pleasant and unpleasant stay. Address is Mainaustrasse 24, Zurich, Switzerland

India

Delhi now claims to be the first Indian city to have a women-only hotel floor at ITC Maurya Sheraton. A five-star option for the well heeled, but a welcome move nevertheless. Named so femininely Eva, the floor has women butlers, a woman chef, safety equipments fitted in the rooms and on the floor. For the lady guests' safety and comfort.

The upholstery, the toiletries, the bedspreads with floral prints, the folding ironing board and iron in the closet, the plasma screen TV, the choice of soft drinks and miniatures in the mini bar... all have visible feminine touches about them.

"Lady guests prefer these rooms particularly for their safety. So, we have video phones in each room to check from inside who's at the door. We screen all her calls if she wants it. We pick and drop her at the airport. And importantly, we bar men from entering this floor including the hotel staff. The lifts don't stop at the Eva floor unless you have the room key with you and you swipe it on the lift board," explains Ms. Vasan. For those willing to take a swig after a long day at work, the floor also has an option of a women-only lounge.

The Taj Mahal Hotel on Mansingh Road has no women-only enclosures yet, but has plans for one. However, it takes similar safety measures when it comes to women guests. "Rooms have video phones, lady butlers, we screen her calls, pick her up from the airport, escort her from the porch to the room, brief her on the hotel's layout, offer her food according to her diet plan, keep a silk gown in addition to the bathrobe etc.

The Taj group's business hotel here, The Ambassador Hotel also has similar facilities for unescorted women travellers. The Oberoi, The Imperial, Hyatt Regency, The Grand, Marriot Welcomgroup... all now keep in mind such guests and offer them similar facilities providing a security net for a single woman traveller in an unsafe city like Delhi.

Italy

In Florence there is a small bed and breakfast just for women. B&B is an exclusive bed and breakfast for women only located at the top floor (no lift - 68 steps) of a historical palace in the center of Florence, Italy. With a stunning view of Brunelleschi's cupola of the Duomo, it overlooks a quiet inner garden and is only minutes away from the Uffizi, Ponte Vecchio, Santa Croce, the Accademia, the main train station and air terminal. B&B
Borgo Pinti 31, 50121 Firenze, Italy tel. +39 055 248 0056

Don't Get Married

If only, if only. If only I'd asked more questions, understood his motivation, priorities, values, would I have had a better understanding of my husband?  The passion of romance creates a penetrating and hypnotic elixer that intoxicates a couple to focus on the present undying sense of love, which lasts for years, often many years, and the relationship remains energized, beautiful, positive, wonderful. Drunk with love Rumi said.

But then, one day, things change. The elixer turns to a toxic poison and nothing seems right, everything is discordant. The reasons for the shift don't really matter but it suddenly becomes really clear that if only I had asked that ONE question, we'd not be here. Getting divorced. Closing a metal door. In despair. It would have been all so clear. We would have never got married - if I had just asked that ONE question.

So trust a man to write a book with all these wonderful questions laid out in all their glory. Sit down with a glass of wine and look into eachothers' eyes with dispassionate objectivity. Do not make love. That is the very source of the intoxication. Intimacy.  Of course, you'll both lie about some questions, because you are desperate to make it work, but it's worth the effort.

The book? Don't Get Married Until You Have Read This.

The blurb?

"Women who are sure they've found the right man better not count their blessings until they've consulted one man in particular, the happily married Corey Donaldson. Having consulted 1,500 other people, he now feels confident in stating Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!: The Book of Questions for Couples. Many of these lists of probing questions are about sexuality ("How would it affect you if you never had sex again"), which, the author found, is often a bigger problem in marriage than most people are comfortable admitting.

If you're headed for the altar -- or you're in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage -- you probably already know that issues like love, sex, money, religion, kids, in-laws, and even who has to walk the dog can become potential landmines if you and your partner don't discuss your feelings openly before you take the plunge. Now, Corey Donaldson has put together more than 500 questions -- ranging from playful to provocative -- designed to get you and your partner talking frankly and communicating effectively before you walk down the aisle. Donaldson covers hot topics such as:

* Does it matter to you who earns most of the money?
* What does my family do that annoys you?
* What is the difference, for you, between love and romance?
* What place do you believe religion has in the world?
* How long do you want to wait before having children?
* If I wanted to move away from our families for work, would you support me?
* Who cleans the house?

Perfect for couples in the midst of planning their nuptials, a duo considering "I do," or even partners in established relationships who just want to get to know each other again, Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! is a must-have for anyone who wants to make their marriage last

Good Twin, Evin Twin

I have never been a t-shirt kinda girl. I have tried at various times in my life to wear silly t-shirts that say things like tie dye Peace tanks (very original) or "I can't remember if I am the good twin or the evil twin" black and sexy, and probably a Seahawks shirt here and there.  But if you are recently divorced and want to EXpress yourself in a fun and irreverant way - here are some ideas.  Stylistically, I like the Never Again heart - very classy and cheaper and less painful than a tatoo.

My Next Husband Will be Normal is kind of cool - not too dramatic or shocking and I like " I divorced my husband for religious reasons, he thought he was God and I didn't". You can order that one here.

or perhaps this one - Seven Stages of Divorce - which are Panic, Denial, Agony, Rage, Awareness, Forgiveness, Peace. Right.

There are all kinds of ways you can declare your beautiful divorced self, gracefully and with a sense of style. BUT, if you are not nearly that refined - and let's face it who is 100% of the time? Well check out this site...Divorce Break Up Gifts and Greeting Cards. Don't say you weren't warned - this is not a ladylike site at all. But some of the items for are sale are very funny. And laughter they say can take 7 years off your life and reduce the grief of divorce by 7 months. I made that up.

High Powered Men

Why?  That's the question that so many divorced women deal with for years.  It is of course, a futile exercise because even if there was an answer to 'what happened' it's like a prism that shines from so many different angles it is hardly worth the trouble.  And it never ever makes  you feel better. The reflective "why" seems a feminine preoccupation. The action words "how" and the "what" and "when" seem to be what men focus on.  It's like the Buddha on his deathbed.  His believers gathered round and said "Master, master, what is the answer?"  and he answered them "What is the question".  A conundrum not worth the effort. But we are obsessed.

Of course the recent revelations which are by the way only the 2 millionth time (this year) this intriguing story of betrayal and lust has been told worldwide. Most of the times it happens in living rooms and kitchens and coffee shops. Why the governor's activities should be any different is beyond me. He is after all just human, just a man. I think Douglas Adams used that phrase to great effect. Anyway, we women try sometimes way too hard to make our men into perfect creatures. Doesn't work. They are not monogomous, they are not in control of thier basic physical urges. It's really as simple as that.

Anyway, I came across an interesting discussion on the traits of high powered men and thought I'd share - I kind of knew all these things deep down - since I work for a company where there is certainly an abundance of these men - but I had never really stopped to articulate the analysis. It's by Mary Carmichael, and is a Newsweek web exclusive - hope she doesn't mind me sharing. I think it can help a lot of women get a better perspective on what drives the behavior of their partners.

Read the entire piece here

My summary:

High powered men. High powered sex?  Psychologists agree that most of the men like Spitzer who take irrational risks for their feel good obsession actually fit a profile.  It appears that the traits that help them succeed at high-powered jobs are often the same ones that cause them to fail in their personal lives. NEWSWEEK's Mary Carmichael asked several analysts to “put the typical philandering politician on the couch.”

Since many of my readers have gone through a similar experience with high powered husbands taking extraordinary risks, and giving up everything for their sexual ‘addictions’ this might be useful.  It seems that women do have this need to analyze and understand.  Its not sensationalism, just a real desire to figure out what drove the behavior that turned trusting loving husbands into alter egos of passion and unbridled desire. So the why is futile, but it is a necessary question to eliminate on the road to self confidence and healing.

Here is Ms Carmichael’’s assessment

Me, Me, More, More:. Marvin Zuckerman says that Sensation seekers crave intense experiences more than other people do, and, as part of that, they tend to have many sexual partners. "They get a bigger kick out of things  His book is "Sensation Seeking and Risky Behavior."   He claims there is actually chemical evidence – that sensation seekers have lower levels of monoamine oxidase http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monoamine_oxidase .  This chemical apparantly regulates the brain's levels of dopamine, the "pleasure" neurotransmitter. If we only had a way of determining that in our men!

The other side is that sensation seekers are often high-energy, high-functioning people and their experiences have to be either very new or very intense, or both, or else they get very restless,. When things get monotonous, they have to do something else to increase their arousal." I get it!

Risk Rocks! Sensation seekers are in your face – they are high-level, go-for-everything guys, you're dealing with people who take a lot of risks. They want to try everything but at some point, they can't manage every aspect of their lives. They just have to do things for thrills or chills or fun. Dangerous but fun  Risk is all part of the game and  breaking rules is a thrill for them.

Hormones Alpha males are high on testosterone, the hormone that underlies almost all the typical traits of the politico-sexual animal: high levels of testosterone make for a high sex drive, a love of risks, aggressiveness and competitiveness. "These people have a strong competitive drive and success sends their testosterone spiraling up.

These notes should be in the Wedding Welcome Pack that is handed out on the honeymoon.  Oh I forgot, there is not welcome pack- you have to learn as you go and darn it often doesn’t become clear until it is way too complicated and way too late!

Divorce Party Planner

Well some people are having just way too much fun in my apartment building and i say that with a big heart and very little sleep.  Last night the patter of high heels and giggles started shaking my roof and about 10 hours the whoooo whoooo's stopped and the chandeliers stopped shaking. What on earth was going on?  Well since my mind moves in strange and wonderful ways, I can only assume a divorce party was underway and could imagine the group of women playing with voodoo dolls and drinking wine coolers, celebrating the end of a relationship or marriage - a well documented healing process for that greatest of all life transitions. 

That primitive and incredibly pink transformation from EX to EXtraordinary!!!

So what is a divorce party? Check out this site - Divorce Party Planner - and all will be revealed.

Christine Gallagher devised the concept in her book "How to Throw a Breakup Party" and gets into the deep dark motivation on her website Revenge Lady.  You can email her directly at ChristineGallagher@divorcepartyplanner.com 

Why have a Divorce Party (and this is not just for real marriages, but breakups of all kinds) Any reason for a party in my opinion. Here are Christine's justifications.

• A Divorce Party is a way to mark the end of the pain and suffering that comes with divorce.
• A Divorce Party provides the ritual we humans need to cope with any difficult life transition. Rituals provide comfort and community.
• A Divorce Party is an opportunity to vent, to cry, laugh, yell, whatever you need to do, in the company of loving friends and family.
• Friends can throw a party to show their divorcing pal that they are supported, loved and not alone.
• The party can be a great way the newly divorced person can thank all the people who stood by them through the ordeal of separation.
• The party is an opportunity to announce your new status in life. You are now single and available for new experiences and even new relationships. A whole new phase of life is just beginning. And that is something to celebrate!

Check out the site - its fabulous!!

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A Weekend Without Shopping

What do you normally do on your weekend? Let me guess - "Shop".  It has become a kind a ritual for me, I make my shopping list, call my girlfriends, and together with starbucks in hand, tour round the shops, seeking out bargains, cool stuff to play with, sexy clothes to wear, shoes to stack in the cupboard with the other 'cute' boots and sandals and open toe wedges.  Things we can't live without. Can't believe I just wrote those words. Oh yes, and food shopping. Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, raspberries for $4.99 - about 20 cents a berry. I often wander down to Pike's Market and fill up my bag with fresh veggies, trying new things like boc choi and soy yoghurt. Our need for new is obsessive.

So, this weekend, da da - I am going to try something fresh and new.  I am not going to spend a dime, not one single penny.  I am going to eat what's in my fridge, read what's on my bedside table, and go  through my closet and pull out ALL and I mean ALL the clothes, shoes and stuff I haven's worn since last March.  Whooo whooo!!  I am on a mission.  Seriously, I have decided to take a money fast and see how I feel on Monday morning. I bet I'll be alive and well and not starving mentally or physically or any less happy, fulfilled that I am today. I will make do with what I have, be thankful for what I have already, not be constantly craving the next thing to purchase.

By the way, this doesn't mean I am not going OUT!  I am planning a trip to the mall to meet a friend for coffee (she's promised to buy) and a browse around - people watching actually is more than half the fun..and I'll definitely spend an hour or two at my favorite bookstore - Third Place in Ravenna.  God it will be sooooo hard not to buy a piece of pumpkin cake.  Any hoo.

On this subject I did come across a book that I might try to check out at Barnes and Noble (for free of course). It's called Suddenly Single by Kerry Hannon and its all about the value of taking care of finances in a fundamental way if you find yourself single or widowed. Check it out, it looks very down to earth and practical and definitely something I wish I had spent more time focused on instead of worrying about how old I was getting, or what I could have done to save my marriage or whatever else you spend distracting  yourself when you are going through a difficult breakup. Its so easy to just ignore the basics.  So speaking of basics, its a cup of tea, a piece of toast with oh my god butter and jam and a fun weekend of shopping aestheticism. 

Single? You Are Not Alone

If you are snuggled up at home this Friday evening, sobbing in your glass of chardonnay that  you are sob sob sob - a single woman - well take a deep breath and be reassured that you are absolutely not alone.  In fact there are 21,000,000 women without men in the United States- that's 21 MILLION women without a husband, boyfriend, lover. Oh my god, how do they survive!!!!  How can their lives have any meaning?  The reality is that they outnumber their unattached male counterparts by 3,696,000. So there are a hell of a lot of single men out there too.  HOWEVER, men tend to like young women regardless of their own age - funny how that works...some fascinating numbers from this article- slightly outdated I think - there are 14,331,000 adult bachelors in the United States; 2,272,000 widowers; 1,028,000 divorced men. So women they are out there - but you better get on your proverbial bike. The reality is that 70 per cent of all American women marry before they are 24 years old. Admittedly 50% of them get divorced!  From then on, it’s a downhill slide. By the time a woman is 30, there is about one chance in two she will ever get married and at 40, only one chance in five. By the time she is 50, the chances she will marry are just one in 16, and after 60, her chances drop to one in 62. Oh well...we can always live in hope.  I have my trusty book "The Secret' clutched in my hand and I am projecting with mystical joy and love all the positive energy in the world, all the intention in my beautiful beating heart that I'll  bump into my next soulmate in an airport or bookstore or that sexy grey haired surgeon as I am having that final heart attack when i am 85. Damn.