Divorce Diva

Illicit Encounters

Back by popular demand....

Illicit Encounters

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Letting Go with Panache

Ephiphanies - got to love them. I have had a very strange week, living in that kind of plateau you often go between stages of ex. My life is truly wonderful, I am happy, energized and joyful, but I realised that emotionally, at the deepest place in my heart I was emotionally not letting go of the past. I was giving the past my time, my energy and my thoughts. By chance (if you believe in chance) I discovered a woman called Patty Swyden Sullivan. She is an incredible woman. Divorced after 28 years of marriage, she is a social worker with more intuitive common sense than most and an empathy and gentle yet firm nature. I found her through the Sassy Pink Peppers, a social club for divorced women and ordered her 2 cd set called Letting Go With Panache. I listened to it in my car on the way to work, and the way home from work and then sitting in front of my apartment for 30 minutes. It's absolutely the most insightful creation - designed for women who are experiencing a block in letting go of the emotions surrounding a divorce.

I highly recommend this cd set. You can order it on her website.  The concept is very simple, and that is you have to get to the heart of what is holding you back and through an examination of your feelings honestly and without negative branding and exercise what she calls the 3 "P"s - perspective, perserverence and proactive. So, you can move your thoughts to a positive place where you are empowered, energized and creating your own fabulous life.  It's practical, approachable and almost simplistic in its approach to dealing with divorce. But then again it is simple...it's all about just turning the meter just a few centimetres to the right or left - changing your thoughts and perspective and through the power of intention moving toward the postive light of a fabulous new life.

I just about ran off the road tonight trying to do the exercise below with pen and paper in hand..it was a fantastic exercise..try it. For more on Patty, visit her website .

Now do this test and reflect deeply on the answers.  And then just order Patty's cd. You will not be disappointed. Take five sheets of paper and label them accordingly:

1. INVENTORY QUESTIONS 
2. BEFORE MEETING SPOUSE 
3. DURING COURTSHIP OF SPOUSE 
4. DURING MARRIAGE TO SPOUSE 
5. CURRENT

On page number one, Inventory Questions, going vertically down the page write out a series of questions, you may use additional sheets of paper that can be stapled to page one.

Suggested questions:

What do I do when I am alone and have free time?

What music do I listen to?

What do I watch on TV?

Would others describe me as quiet or gregarious?

Am I more energized when I am around people or when I am by myself?

What QUALITIES attracts me to someone?

What QUALITIES attracts people to me?

When friends call ON THE PHONE ARE OUR CONVERSATIONS AN EXCHANE OF INFORMATION OR ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS? WHOSE?

When I call a friend ON THE PHONE ARE OUR CONVERSATIONS AN EXCHANE OF INFORMATION OR ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS? WHOSE?

What proportion of money do I spend on myself?

What do I like to buy?

Do I want to travel?

Do I like indoor activities’ or outdoor?

If I had six hours to divide between spending time with family, friends, or by myself how would I divide the six hours?

My perfect day is…

My greatest achievements are:

My biggest dream is?

My favorite politician is:

My favorite entertainer is:

The person I most admire:

I wear my hair:

Can I walk into a party, wedding, reunion, by myself

My biggest worry is:

I wish I could be more…

I am so proud that I…

My greatest strength is:

My biggest regret is:

What are my fantasies?

I vow to:

For each succeeding page, numbers 2-5 prepare to answer questions on page one by meditating, looking at photographs, reading letters or diaries from that time period, or any other means of putting yourself in the time frame that corresponds to the page number. Visualize something you wore during that time period, events that come to mind, and the people in your life during that time period. Then answer the questions by writing down your answers.

Allow enough time to clear your mental state of each time period before assuming the frame of mind for the page you are working on. It may take you several days to complete the inventory.

When you are finished compare your answers from the different time periods in your life. What are the most noticeable changes? What has remained constant? Are you pleased with the answers, changes, consistencies or do you wish to reinvent parts of yourself?

Can you see the influence you had over your spouse or that he had over you? Was the influence balanced or did one of you have more than the other? How does this information sit with you? Did you discover through this inventory which likes and dislikes are truly your own, which ones were compromises, and which ones were someone else’s?

If after the inventory you have questions about your feelings, your personality traits, and how you interact with others you can contact a life coach, therapist, or even delve into the subject with family or friends who know you well and who you have complete faith and trust. Good luck with your personality detective work!!

Don't Call Him!

Seriously, if there was just ONE piece of advice I could give to someone in the first three years of a divorce (and after that if its still on your mind - please seek help) :-) is do NOT, I repeat do NOT call (and that includes email, text messaging, conversations via friends, etc. I love the book The Girls Guide to Surviving a Breakup by Delphine Hirsch. Its refreshing, fun and practical. She has a section on "DO NOT CALL HIM" and its very funny.  She says "My friend Lucy....she will call him usually around 3am. He will be sleeping (surprise) and their conversation will inevitably be disappointing, then she will freak out for a few hours, smoking a carton of cigarettes, and call me hysterically crying...and while this is a scenario I have played out myself several times myself, I've never known anyone to feel better after a wee hours phone call to her ex". But seriously, I highly recommending this to your booklist, although for the first year its unlikely you'll listen to anything anyone says...but I must try to convince you otherwise. Here's the deal. Men don't like to talk. Period.  Its been proven now - I read some study somewhere, that women talk 10 times more than men and although men would argue its because its quality not quantity, I mean look how well they've done with managing the world so far with their vocabulary :-) (joke) They compartmentalize and move on, usually very quickly and any examination of what should have, could have, must have happened is just not something they want to discuss. So, when the divorce papers are signed that's their permission to move on and pretend (and I don't mean to be cold and heartless here) without you ever in their life again. My ex and I went through a kind of Pavlovian exercise, where every time I sent him an email of say 30 words to ask what I considered a very simple question - like why did you leave? :-) he would respond with 5 word answers. Like 'because I felt like it'. So I would then write a 20 word email - carefully composed over hours and hours and hours - and he would reply with two words. We are now down to one word emails and its actually very efficient and breathtakingly painless.

So..that's my advice for today. Get a puppy, kitten, travel, learn to skydive, dance, sing, or even find another man or woman to keep conversation going in another direction . Please, do yourself a huge favour and don't continually look back to the past with regret and guilt. Do not waste another precious second of your life.  Five years from now you'll wonder why on earth you threw away so many wonderful days with sadness and self punishment. It is what it is, and even though you can't see it today, you will reach a day when you can breathe again. Trust me. 

Number One Reason for Divorce is Marriage

I have come to the illuminating awareness that there is only one way to never have to go through the pain and suffering of a divorce. Never get married.  100% of women who never get married, don't get divorced, and those are pretty good odds to me.  Over 50% of women who do get married get divorced and that is just depressing. One in two marriages.

But why? It has been argued that people grow out of love, they change, infidelity in a moment of weakness turns the dial from 100% commitment and love to 0% trust in the blink of an eye. Divorce is happening everywhere, every country, every religion, every age, every socio economic level.  I came across a great blog by Karve who I think has hit it on the head.  It's all about dimishing tolerance and the desire (the feeling that we have a right) for a perfect relationship.  It's that simple.  Men want beauty and sexual variety to be refreshed every few years, if the marriage moves from 100% to 99% its time to move on. Trade up.  Here's what Karve says

Divorce is not longer an ugly word. Its happening all around us. Rising expectations, coupled with diminishing tolerance levels are taking their toll, even in the middle class mileau of "conservative' towns and cities. Everyone want's a 'perfect' relationship and and 'ideal' marriage, but they want it on their own terms.  The modern mantra seems to be that if the relationship is not working, it is better to sever it, split up, rather than endure and make efforts to patch up"

Sad but true.

Divorced Women Be Prepared

Ok this has absolutely nothing to do specifically with divorce, but in an effort to educate and empower all you divorce divas out there and because the summer travel season is just around the corner AND you are a good little girl scout now that you are traveling anywhere your heart desires on your own (say yay!!!) - here are 911 numbers for places other than the US. It never occured to me - honestly - that the numbers would be so different - ok I've been living under a rock...but here goes~

Emergencies can arise anytime—and any place. Be prepared when traveling; know how to call for help.

Hopefully you'll never need to use 911 services - but I say always be prepared for anything in this crazy life. You'll feel more confident and empowered~

Now where is my phone charger?

All EU countries, 112

Argentina, 911

Australia, 000

Canada, 911

Hong Kong, 999

Israel, 100

Japan, 119

Mexico, 060

Switzerland, 144

Thailand, 191

What Women Really Want

There is a famous quote by Freud (gotta love him) along the lines of "I have spent years working with "them" and still have not answered the fundamental question - What Do Women Want?? Being a woman myself, I have spent a considerable amount of time dealing with that conundrum. Divorce provides a fresh impetus to ask it all over again and to change the answer if necessary. Several times. Here by the way is where Freud got totally messed up.

We do change our minds, and after being with a man who perhaps defined us more by what HE wanted - life after divorce can be both a liberating and terrifying experience.

A few years ago, after my divorce, I did a  "Great Escape" type trip around the world. It was a trip for charity - 21 days, 22,000 miles, visting Hong Kong, China, India, Egypt, Turkey, Dubai, Czech Republic, Croatia and met so many incredible women along the way. The great fun of the event was that our group didn't know from one day to the next where we were going, and at each destination we had to solve puzzles and scavenges that ranged from a camel ride to the Pyramids to smoking a hookah in a Turkish cafe. It was a fabulous way of getting energised and of regaining some of the confidence in my ability as a woman to be resouceful, strong, creative and brave. Oh yes, and very tired.

Anyway, I stumbled upon women of all ages, from all countries from all around the world traveling with verve and joy, and sitting in the airport in Delhi found a fantastic article in an Indian newspaper on just the subject of What Women Want. It was saying that the trend of women leaving their families to go on travel tours was increasing in India and that is not just adventurers or singles party, but housewives, divorcees leaving behind their old world and seeking adventure and new experience. They are EXploring!!! Finally. In India some hotels are rising to the challenge and establishing women only floors and a houseboat in Kerela's backwater in Alappuzha is run entirely by women and is for women only.

What did they discover about what women travelers want?

Women like to travel in groups of 3-5 - sometimes 7
They opt for packages between 4 and 7 nights
They are interested in ecclectic activities - not just shopping - duh!
They choose foreign over domestic travel
They spend between $100 and $150 a day

And that's just a little glimpse Mr Freud into the mysterious minds of strong, empowered women. You didn't really have a clue.

Ex-Rated You

Welcome to Explore
After long excruciating days in EXile, the frenetic outpouring of grief and anger in EXpress, and the cleansing Exorcism of renewal, you finally get it. Life is short. You are feeling more human and want to actually go OUT into the world, examine your options and start to EXplore.

Money Can’t Buy Happiness
One of the most terrifying aspects of divorce is that there is often a justifiable deep concern with financial security. It’s a fact that most women end off financially worse off after the end of a relationship. There is often a tendency to want to move to a new city, change jobs, return to school, make a big change! These are all good goals! Take chances if you feel ready, but beware the pitfalls. Exploring starts at home.

Money Can Buy Options
In the stage of Explore, money is not the goal but can be a key. Money opens doors.. Robin Spears is a travel writer who, after her very dramatic divorce 6 years ago, left her small community in Lake Tahoe to move to San Francisco to jump start her career as a writer. She spent the next 5 years traveling the world, looking for her new home. She went on a kind of blind date with the world, which in many ways combined her EXile and EXplore stages at once. Robin now offers women’s workshops in Brazil for women in this exciting stage of EX.

Do What you Love!
One of the least