Divorce Diva

Divorce Fair

It started last year with a Divorce Fair in Vienna - at the time I remember thinking that the world as we knew it was coming to and end when divorce could be marketed like every other commodity on the planet.

Their  slogan was New Beginning, and attracted around 500 people and 20 exhibitors including private detective firms and DNA laboratories offering paternity tests.

So I guess all great financial successes can't be stopped and our capitalistic system pushes success forward into the marketplace....and the first UK event is planned. The pitch?

An event dubbed the UK's first divorce fair is to be staged to help parting couples break-up as painlessly as possible, its organiser said today.

Solicitors, financial experts, mortgage advisers and health professionals will exhibit at the one-day event at Brighton Racecourse in Brighton, East Sussex, on October 11.

"The fair, called the Starting Over Show,(SOS) has attracted 20 potential exhibitors with the aim of gaining 90 and follows on from other divorce fairs held in Europe.It is being promoted as an event to enable people bounce back from relationship break-ups, including civil partnership splits, and help them build the skills to face the future.  Unlike Viena, while legal advice will be offered, organisers insist there will be no exhibitors promoting DNA paternity testing or private detective work.

Event producer Suzy Miller said the fair may help people struggling with the credit crunch, who may to be too frightened to split because of financial fears. Suzi says "'From the people I have spoken to, they have said, "God I wish something like this was around when I broke up.Going through a break-up can be an extremely lonely time so we are placing a lot of emphasis on mind, body and soul to help people get through it.

'There will lawyers, accountants, live music, a chill-out room and a creche, business advisors and spiritual consultants.  Something for everyone facing the complexities of divorce.  I am surprised match.com and other dating services don't do a meeting alongside- you can just go from one zone to another. Plastic surgeons, god knows the divorce market has endless possibilies!

From "I Do" to "Seven Year Itch"

There have been endless articles on the reasons for divorce. It is a shocking reality that 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, pretty amazing odds by any standard. It's higher in other parts of the world so count your blessings.  Basically its a bit like buying a new car - as soon as you drive off the lot the entrophy begins - so the glow of 'i do' forever quickly starts to wane into 'i do until i change my mind'.  Love and commitment reaches a low apparantly in the 4 year anniversary mark and then picks up again until year 7 when all bets are off as the seven year itch attacks.  If you get past 10 years, well you are amazing!

Adultery, boredom, finances, changing interests, children, who knows.  Most states today are no fault - so you really don't have to state a reason for divorcing. No one is to blame is the new standard. Unreconcilable difference means I just can't be bothered to try  to reconcile.  Don't you wish life was simpler like back in 1972 when the state of Missisippi stated the following 10 very prescriptive reasons for allowing a divorce. Got to love the pure simplicity of the reasoning.  You'd think #11 was a no brainer. Oh my god did people really do #2?  Where was viagra for #1? No ambiguity at all. 3-7 are pretty self explanatory and I think I plead #8 or is it #12?  I think its fascinating that you could get a divorce is you were insane when you GOT married but not if you were insane at the time you were asking for a divorce and that you have to actually strugle through 3 years of treatment before a divorce is possible. Seems a little unfair to me :-)

So here is what they said...

Divorces from the bonds of matrimony may be decreed to the injured party for any one or more of the following twelve causes, viz:

First. Natural impotency.

Second. Adultery, unless it should appear that it was committed by collusion of the parties for the purpose of procuring a divorce, or unless the parties cohabited after a knowledge by complainant of the adultery.

Third. Being sentenced to any penitentiary, and not pardoned before being sent there.

Fourth. Wilful, continued and obstinate desertion for the space of one year.

Fifth. Habitual drunkenness.

Sixth. Habitual and excessive use of opium, morphine or other like drug.

Seventh. Habitual cruel and inhuman treatment.

Eighth. Insanity or idiocy at the time of marriage, if the party complaining did not know of such infirmity.

Ninth. Marriage to some other person at the time of the pretended marriage between the parties.

Tenth. Pregnancy of the wife by another person at the time of the marriage, if the husband did not know of such pregnancy.

Eleventh. Either party may have a divorce if they be related to each other within the degrees of kindred between whom marriage is prohibited by law.

Twelfth. Incurable insanity. But no divorce shall be granted upon this ground unless the insane party shall have been under regular treatment for insanity and causes thereof, confined in an institution for the insane for a period of at least three years immediately preceding the commencement of the action.

Defragmenting Divorce

I have always taken my dreams seriously. There are cultures around the world that pay very close attention to every detail, some that view it as a movie that entertains us while we sleep.  I remember when my mother died when I was very young many years ago I had a recurring dream where she would call me on the telephone in odd situations, when I was in a restaurant, at school, at a friends house. I'd just be living my life and someone would just appear with a telephone saying 'you have a call' and then I'd scream, wake up and sit shaking for a few minutes until I wished I'd have the courage to actually speak with her.  The dreams went on for years and finally I had the courage to take the phone and speak with her. She spoke in riddles and I cried for days until I realized that I just needed to say goodbye. Dreams.  Dreams of divorce are according to the experts are a sign of separation and of course not only related to relationships. Aisling Ireland on www.bellaonline.com says "the old wise people said that these dreams (of divorce) were a warning to nurture home and family life. Divorce in your dream may also not even pertain to marriage. It can symbolize another "divorce" from something you're unhappy with, such as your job, a habit or behavior".

So last night I had a dream about my ex husband and it was the most fascinating experience. At the beginning of the dream I started interacting with him just like I used to when we were married years ago, watching myself in a conversation in the dream expecting a certain response that of course didn't happen.  Whenever I thought or asked him about what used to be, he stopped speaking.  He physically stopped speaking. As I got frustrated, he just got quieter.  Then I started speaking in the present tense, asking him about his life today, the things he valued now and sharing my own life, dreams and passions.  I took out the us and focused on the individuals.  I shared the life and wisdom that has taken shape in my life since the divorce and over the course of the dream, I  interacted with him in a totally different way. To use a computer analogy, I felt like I had selected "properites, disk clean up" and suddenly my brain was defragmenting- all conversations, experiences and memories related to my husband were lining up and being filed away in archives in my brain. With every memory I felt lighter and free of memories that had been haunting me for so long.  The need to ask why, understand the reasons for our divorce was gone. Gone. I woke up feeling lighter and not to be too dramatic - transformed. The mind is truly an incredible thing.

Wanderlust and the Single Woman

So three simple questions? Are you single or divorced or otherwise on your own ?Do you like to travel alone?Are you feeling poor/broke/stingy?

Well the summer sun is calling and the vitamin D meter in your body is sending out red alerts!!!  The idea of a sunny week just kicking back in that bathing suit which is slowly fading in your drawer, and before you gain back the 8 pounds that made it reasonably possible to squeeze into it.....well time to book a summer vacation. You know that no one else is going to be in the office in August so what are you waitign for!!  I love to travel alone. It's as simple as that. I used to love to travel with my husband and sons but since they now all have created fun and exciting lives outside my world, well I am loving the opportunity to embrace  the world of a solitary explorer.  However, the last time I checked for a mediterranean cruise the single supplement doubled the fare and I ended up deciding it was less expensive to fly to Delhi and spend two weeks luxuriating in India. 

I just got back from a short trip to the UK and besides the great tea, ethnic food, fun shopping, boots, marks and spencer and oh yes visiting two fantastic sons - I love the British woman's magazines that seem full of ideas for empowered single women.

I came across a company called Travel One that specializes in single travel and wanted to share. Do any of these places look good to you?

	Olu Deniz, Turkey
-	Dalyan, Turkey
-	Kalkan, Turkey
-	Gulet Cruise, Turkey
-	Santorini, Greece
-	Crete, Greece
-	Kyrenia, Northern Cyprus
-	Majorca, Spain
-	Andalucia, Spain
-	Algarve, Portugal
-	Funchal, Madeira
-	Pula, Croatia
-	St. Konstantin, Bulgaria
-	Port El Kantaoui, Tunisia
-	Sicily, Italy
-	Marrakech & Agadir, Morocco
-	Playa del Carmen, Mexico
-	Mombasa Coast & Safari, Kenya
-	Hurghada, Egypt
-	Nile Cruise & Luxor, Egypt
-	Check out their site http://www.travelone.co.uk/singles-holidays.html

Nice Girls Win

Working in a large corporation has incredible benefits and I have been immune to something for most of my working career that many women, especially recently divorced women, face. How to be 'nice' and succeed in business.  I've been at both ends of the pendulum.  When I was in college I read the Feminine Mystique and other feminist works that reassured me of my superiority. You know 'women have to try twice as hard as men to be thought of as half as good...fortunately that's not difficult".  I can't believe I actually put that on a sign on my desk once.  Really warms up the male visitors. I had books scattered about like "How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis", or "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" or "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead But Gutsy Girls Do" or "Good Girls Guide to Becoming a Boss without Becoming a Bitch" , "PLay Like a Man, Win Like A Woman" or one that had an erie sense of prediction "The Old Girls Network, Building Business in a Man's World.  I've tried many techniques in my 20+ year career but always come back to very simple premise. Nice works. It feels good, it often surprises and usually works. Not sappy stupid sweetness, but thoughtful, compassionate and creative cooperation. And in a strange and wonderful way the pendulum has swung fully to the other end and suddenly I don't think about men any more as a threat but quite seriously as allies in a game of life that treats us all with the same level of detached indifference. It gives us the opportunity to make choices in life. Some take us where we want to go, others lead us into sadness, or depression or even failure. But it has nothing to do with being manipulative or mean. I think its why I only stayed for a couple of sessions at a recent women's conference. Too much estrogen for me.  Why continually draw a line, make a distinction?  After a divorce the tendency is to draw think lines - black and white, him and me, bad and good. So many women who I have met at events designed to help women to heal after a divorce only encourage the 'he's a jerk' mentality. Time to get over it. We're in this together. Be nice for goodness sake. Life is short! And you will eventually get a window office. If that's how you measure success. Much prefer an inside office that people love to visit, chat, share. Something too often missing in the corporate world.

Ex In the City Featured Alongside Oprah!

Meet Alison Chase. She is a woman I met through my website Ex in the City who is described as an actress, tv host and commercial talent - she is the founder of a great new website called Wake Up to a Breakup and is kicking off a new TV show that she describes as 'a show devoted to understanding how men and women get along, or in this case, how they don't. If you have ever been dumped, think your relationship is in trouble, or you are still pinning away for your Ex, you've come to the right place.' Check it out, its very unique and incredibly informative.

But more of that later...and a little backgroud on my website Ex in the City.

Well in case you haven't figured it out, I am the 'goddess of ex' .  I lovingly created a website called Ex In The City way back 5 years ago when I thought that suicide was the only way I was ever going to stop crying after my divorce. It was really a little pathetic and I am certainly glad that sanity prevailed and I put down the sleeping pills.  I just finished reading the most amazing, transformative book in my life - Atlas Shrugged - by Ann Rand and have a very different appreciation (yes I did say appreciation) of why my husband decided to leave me. 

For a long time I selfishly thought that my divorce was all about ME. One does this of course and its perfectly normal. I droned on - what had I done wrong, what could I have done better, differently. What was wrong with ME?  Was I too old, was I too boring, too conservative, ugly?  My mind did mental gymnastics around how I was totally to blame for something that was really all about him. And I mean that is the most positive way I can explain.  You see the book is in my opinion, ultimately all about being truthful to yourself and living your life, manifesting your dreams, as a reflection of your values.  That all sounds very easy but its actually a little more difficult than it sounds. Because first of all you have to figure out what your values are and then do a sanity check against 'truth' and then and only then act on your values. My ex husband was acting (bravely) on HIS values - moving forward in his life because I no longer aligned with them.  No one was really to blame.  It took a lot of courage for him to admit to himself that to survive truthfully in the world, he had to change the reality of his life.  It had slipped away from his values (and don't attach judgement here is the secret I discovered with the book). Just know that we were no longer travelers with the same values moving in the same direction. So anyway that's my realization of the year and trust me it has liberated me beyond belief. So on that curve of EXile, EXpress, EXorcise, EXplore and EXhale...I hover between EXplore and EXhale - and some days don't even feel 'divorced' because that assumes i felt attached in the first place. Way beyond that thank goodness!

So Ex in the City is taking a little rest while I decide what's next...but Divorce Diva continues to ramble on. Anyway, a website called Wake Up To a Breakup has decided that Ex in the City is actually still a pretty good site and has included us (YAY and thank you!!) on their website and in fact we are in pretty amazing company

Here's the blurb

Believe it or not, the term “relationships” has 189 million hits on Google. To be sure, it’s a crowded space out there. And if you’re looking for relationship advice, you may just get lost. That’s why we’ve done your research for you, to turn up the top sites and blogs for the lovelorn. It’s a good thing, because getting dumped leaves us asking a lot questions.

iVillage
Oprah (Relationships)
Flirt
Loving You
Ex in the City
The Site (Sex and Relationships)
MSNBC (Relationships)
Don't Date Him Girl
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Break Up Girl
Boy Friend Replacement
Chick Speak
My Ex Hates Me
Exboyfriend Jewelry

Alison Chase is the Founder and host of a tv show called Wake Up to a Breakup and is going to be featuring Ex in the City in an upcoming show. So thank you Alison - wish you all the very best with your new venture! And thank you for rating Ex so high - glad to be of help to any women dealing with what I went through - there is light, trust me.

Illicit Encounters

Back by popular demand....

Illicit Encounters

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. Maybe you need a comma.

Married but feeling neglected?  In need of some excitement?

This is an ad that appeared in a UK Women's mag - promoting a "discreet and confidential extra –marital dating service for men and women."

What Illicit Encounters offers...

At first I thought this was a joke – and maybe it is – but I checked out the site and here is what it says.  I despair.

I only share this because this is what women (and men) are up against these days. The reality of a marriage that can last forever is so incredibly fragile now – there are so many temptations, offers, distractions. Instead of working through challenges, or to admit that a marriage is over and get divorced, the answer is to walk away or actually sneak away and use the internet to have the best of all possible worlds...a marriage albeit it over, and the instant gratification in finding someone who wants to have a non attached affair with you. I am moving to a motu in the South Pacific. That’s it.

"Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don't want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.

Perhaps you are in a loveless or dead-end marriage or relationship. Your partner no longer values you. Intimacy has long gone but for many reasons you do not want to upset the apple cart. Is this you? You'd be surprised how many people this applies to.

But there is an alternative. Find someone in a similar situation to yours, who also does not want to end their marriage and who wants to explore a friendship, a relationship, become lovers, whatever you are both comfortable with in the knowledge that there isn't a hidden agenda. Do you remember what it was like to find someone who is interested in you? Who excites you? Do you really want to spend the next decades living out the rest of your life without that spark of an exciting relationship?

Oh yes, this is funny...and indicates the level of intelligence of the audience they are targeting _ DUH - WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.

Hard to feel that we are living with any kind of moral compass anymore, we are lust in space. But being aware is where you start.

Letting Go with Panache

Ephiphanies - got to love them. I have had a very strange week, living in that kind of plateau you often go between stages of ex. My life is truly wonderful, I am happy, energized and joyful, but I realised that emotionally, at the deepest place in my heart I was emotionally not letting go of the past. I was giving the past my time, my energy and my thoughts. By chance (if you believe in chance) I discovered a woman called Patty Swyden Sullivan. She is an incredible woman. Divorced after 28 years of marriage, she is a social worker with more intuitive common sense than most and an empathy and gentle yet firm nature. I found her through the